


Laying Low

by yolanndi_azalien



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Grief, Lesbian AU, Mentions of sex work, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, Vaguely graphic mentions of murder, but that’s in the past we’re all about happy lesbians, cis girl katya, cis girl trixie, mentions of drug use, most characters are only mentioned apart from Trixie and Katya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-17 05:52:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yolanndi_azalien/pseuds/yolanndi_azalien
Summary: Trixie left a crazy life in New York to find solace in LA, but her calm life is interrupted by the return of an old friend. Katya and Trixie haven’t seen eachother in three years, and when she whirlwinds into Trixie’s life one New Years Eve, nothing is the same again.





	1. Reunited, And It Feels So- Weird

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I’m new to this site, and I haven’t written any fan fiction in like 5 whole years, so bear with me and hit me up with constructive critique if you have it! I’m really excited about this!  
> Fic title is after a lyric from Forest Whittaker by Bad Books, which vaguely fits this story (not really)

It took a solid four minutes and thirty-seven seconds for Trixie to notice Katya standing in the doorway. Not that Katya was counting. Four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of watching Trixie laugh with a boy, watching Trixie be happy, feeling her own heartbeat thunder in her ears. She was frozen. She was about to shatter this happy scene. She couldn’t do it.  
Right before she turned on her heels to walk out, Trixie finally caught her eye and the crowded bar seemed to stop. Of course, it didn’t.  
“Katya?” She questioned, squinting, before getting off the mans knee and walking towards her.  
She breathed out deeply, still unable to move from her spot in the doorway. Trixie stopped a few paces away from her. She looked confused, Katya thought. Uncertain.  
“What are you doing here?” Katya looked down at her trembling legs, then back up. She wondered if Trixie could see how hard she was shaking. “How did you even know where I am?”  
“Kim told me.” Katya choked out. Trixie nodded slowly. There was a minute of awkward silence as they both just stared at each other. Trixie opened her mouth to say something, but Katya mustered up her brightest smile and cut her off. “Who’s this?” She walked past Trixie, giving the man who’s knee she was just sitting on a wave as he was watching on. He smiled back at her, seemingly unaware of the obvious tension.  
“I’m Sam.” He said, extending a hand for Katya to shake. He had a limp handshake, she thought, and made an effort to grip tighter.  
“Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova.” He raised his eyebrows. “But you can just call me Katya.” She clarified.  
She didn’t like him already, she decided. He had a too-tight cardigan on, and his glasses were stupid. Was she petty? Maybe.  
Trixie sat back down beside him, taking his hand.  
“Sam’s my boyfriend.” She announced in a bragging tone. Katya smirked at that. Trixie seemed so young sometimes. She pulled up a chair at the other side of the table.  
“Good for you, Trixie.”  
The three sat in silence for another moment, before Sam cleared his throat and started a boring and predictable conversation with Katya about her accent. She nodded and smiled and talked about Russia, and couldn’t help but laugh internally at his shocked expression when she said “hard place to grow up when you’re gay as all hell”. Trixie had been staring at her the whole time, but Katya purposefully avoided eye contact. She didn’t really know how to handle this, even though she had came here of her own accord, and making awkward small talk with her boyfriend seemed like a good place to start.  
“Can I uh, get you a drink?”  
That’s when Trixie finally turned her eyes away from Katya. “Katya doesn’t drink.” She frowned at Sam, as if he was meant to know that. Had Trixie talked about her? Katya doubted it. Trixie’s eyes flickered back to Katya. “Right?”  
Her gentle inquiry into Katya’s sobriety made her heart warm. “A year and a half, clean and sober.” Katya pretended to tell Sam, as if that’s who she was telling, and noticed Trixie visibly relax.  
“Oh,” he stammered weakly. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“  
“No,” Katya interrupted. “It’s okay, really.”  
“Why are you here?”  
Katya finally looked back at Trixie then. She couldn’t work out her face. She looked upset, angry, confused- all of it. She felt her eyes sting, and shook her head, slapping her big smile back on her face.  
“What, кукла, I need an excuse to come see you?”  
Sam excuses himself to the bar, takes the hint to leave them alone. Neither of the girls look at him as he goes.  
“It’s been three years, Katya, I’m not going to believe this is a random stop-by. Its New Years Eve, for God’s sake.”  
Katya looked around the bar then, noticed all the decorations, realised that was why the bar was so packed. Shit. She hadn’t even realised it was New Year’s Eve. Did she miss Christmas? She’d been walking around like a ghost for weeks now.  
“I didn’t even know you were in LA. You can’t just-“  
“I know.” Katya said, staring at the table now. She felt like she was being told off. It was fair, she thought. She didn’t have any place showing up in Trixie’s life now, when she’s probably good and happy. She looked back up, saw tears in her big brown eyes. She hated seeing Trixie cry.  
“And you look like shit.”  
Katya laughed at that, real enthusiastic laughter that caught Trixie too. Trixie was right, she knew. Her hair was even more unkempt than usual, her makeup had to be three days old by now and she was shockingly underdressed for New Years Eve in Hollywood. Trixie, on the other hand, looked like she was straight out of a three year olds dream world- blonde hair massive and coiffed, in a gorgeous pink puffball dress and her trademark crazy clown makeup. She hadn’t changed in the three years since Katya had seen her, she just looked like she’d turned the volume up. Katya didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone look so beautiful.  
“So do you, you rotted bitch.” Katya laughed. The laughter was comfortable. When they laughed, it was like no time had passed at all. Like they were still in New York and nothing had changed. Like nothing was broken.  
“Violet’s dead.”  
Katya’s sudden burst of information zapped the laughter out of them instantly. Trixie froze, staring at her, her mouth stuck in a weird frozen laugh.  
“What?” Her voice was small.  
Katya swallowed hard. She shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. She shouldn’t have said it at all.  
That’s when Sam sat back down beside Trixie, with two vodka soda’s and a coke for Katya.  
“Are you girls- um- okay?” He asked awkwardly.  
“I’m sorry.” Katya whispered. The tears were stinging her eyes again. “I shouldn’t have came here, this was wrong- I’m sorry. Have a good night.” She stood up hurriedly, could barely hear Sam’s concerned questionings of Trixie. She didn’t look at her again before she left. She couldn’t.

Outside, she couldn’t light her cigarette because her hands were shaking too much.  
“Блядь!” She yelled, throwing her lighter at the ground. It broke apart. The tears came fully then. She leaned against the wall of the bar, yanking at her hair, let the emotion wash over her. Talking about Violet was hard, and seeing Trixie under any circumstance was going to hurt a lot anyway. She hadn’t ever stopped thinking about her since Trixie left New York, but after three years with no contact at all she had forgotten so much. The way her brown eyes stared into her soul like no other eyes. The electricity when she was in a room. The way she laughed-  
“Hey,” No way. “Hey, Katya, don’t- come here.”  
The way that she held her by the back of her neck and the small of her back, making her feel safer than anything else in the world.

 

By the time Trixie got Katya back to her apartment, she had just about calmed down. Trixie had held her hand in the back of the cab the whole way through her panic attack. She had assured her they were in a safe place when Katya didn’t get out of the cab. She had helped her up the stairs, led her to the sofa, sat her down and gone to make tea. Standing in the kitchen now, Trixie had to wonder what the fuck she was doing. She held her phone in her hands. 18 missed calls from Sam. As she was staring at the screen, another one came through. She sighed deeply, and slunk out onto the fire escape to take it.  
“Hello?” She said, pathetically.  
“Trixie? What the fuck, are you okay?” Trixie tried to speak, but he cut her off straight away. “You just said you were just going to check on her, where the fuck did you go? Are you safe? Did she do something to you?”  
“Sam, no, she would never-“  
“How the fuck am I meant to know that? Some complete stranger whisks you off into the night, and I’m meant to just not bat an eyelid? I know there’s something weird going on, Trixie. I’m not stupid. It’s nearly midnight, just- just come back.”  
Trixie sighed, looking out at the sky. He was right, she knew that. She should just go back.  
“I know you’re not going to understand this, but I need to look after her right now. Her friend died.” She closed her eyes, wondering why she said that as if Violet wasn’t her friend too. “She won’t have came to me unless she had to, Sam. She needs me.”  
“And I don’t need you? Who even is she? This was meant to be our first New Years together. It was meant to be special.”  
Trixie nearly laughed out loud at that. Yeah, as special as dingy city dive bars get. Nothing but the best, right?  
“I’m sorry, Sam.” Was all she managed before she hastily hung up. She stood there for a second, staring at the screen before she turned it off altogether. This was all so wrong- she loved Sam, and Sam loved her, and they were meant to be spending New Years together, but instead she had just had an argument with him and kinda screwed him over on the biggest night of the year. Fuck.  
She could see the shadow of someone moving in her apartment behind her, and looked back through the window to see Katya, wrapped in a blanket from her sofa, walking softly and slowly round the kitchen, looking at every nook and cranny of the room at all of Trixie’s little nick nacks. Katya had always loved the way Trixie decorated, Trixie remembers fondly, she had even insisted on having her leave multiple ornaments around Katya’s apartment before she had even moved in. She watched her take a little ceramic fairy down from a shelf and inspect it closer, rubbing her thumb over it. She looked so innocent.  
Trixie shook herself out of it then, sliding the window back up and swinging her legs over the ledge and into the room. Katya looked up from the fairy, smiling.  
“This ones just like you.”  
“You think?”  
“Yeah. Her hair looks like yours does in the morning.”  
They’re quiet for a while again then, as Trixie finishes making tea and Katya continues to stare around herself. She finds a lighter beside a bunch of candles, and props the window open to finally light a cigarette now her hands will settle. She should care about Katya smoking in her apartment, Trixie thinks. Even with the window open. She’d make any of her other friends go out to the fire escape. She doesn’t say anything. Katya had always smoked in her apartment regardless of what Trixie had to say about it. She snorted out loud at that thought accidentally, causing Katya to look up and catch her eye as Trixie handed her her tea. It took less than a second for Katya to roll her eyes at her.  
“Calm down, you got incense in here? I’ll light it when I’m done. You won’t be able to smell the smoke.”  
How does she know what Trixie’s thinking? The two girls stared at eachother for a while, as Katya took long, deep puffs on her cigarette, making an extra effort to inhale every single reek to the very bottom of her lungs. She only does that when she really needs the nicotine.  
“It was a client.” Katya said suddenly, not dropping their eye contact. Trixie raised her eyebrows. “Motel staff found her under the bed. Head wound. Still in lingerie. Forensics said she’d already been dead for two days.”  
Holy fuck.  
“Katya... when?”  
“Bout three weeks ago.” She leant out the window to tap her ash off the cigarette, but then she stayed there, her arms resting on the window ledge, and Trixie was glad to not have to meet her gaze, giving her a minute to compose herself. She closed her eyes. She didn’t know how to process any of this. As with Katya, she hadn’t seen Violet since she left New York. She had called her once, bright and breezy down the phone, saying she was in LA for a few days for a photo shoot if Trixie wanted to meet up, and Trixie had quickly made her excuses and blocked the number. The guilt she felt for that now was painful.  
“Did you know she had no family?” Katyas voice was fainter now that she was basically out the window, but Trixie couldn’t miss how it was shaking. “Like, I know she never talked about them, but it’s because she didn’t have them. They couldn’t find a next of kin so I had to identify the body just because I was first in her speed dial. Ten people at her funeral.”  
“Fuck,” Trixie breathed out loud. “Katya, you should have-“  
“Called you?” Katya laughed. “Even if I could, what the fuck would I have said? ‘Hey Trix, I know no ones heard from you in three years, and you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t want anything to do with us, but Violets dead if you want to come to her funeral’? That would have gone down SO well.” She sounded so- condescending.  
“Why’d you show up here then?” Trixie said, raising her voice. “If you’re still so angry at me for leaving, why’d you come tell me now?”  
Katya pulled herself back through the window, looking up at Trixie. For the first time since she walked into the bar earlier, she looked really solid and together and not like she was about to break down. She fixed her with a stare that made Trixie shrink back a little, her icy blue eyes staring into her very soul.  
“I don’t know why you even came here at all.” Trixie continued. She felt sick.  
“Yes you do.” Katya said steadily. “We’ve all got a bit of coal in our stockings, Trixie. I’m not angry anymore.” She flicked her cigarette out the window without looking. “In fact, right now, I understand why you left more than ever. So, I guess that’s why I’m here.” She walked towards Trixie slowly, and as she stepped closer Trixie saw the softness in her eyes. “I get it now. And I’m not angry anymore. So that’s why I’m here.”  
She wrapped her in the tightest hug her arms were capable of, and outside, fireworks exploded and the city erupted in cheers.


	2. New York, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve written a good few chapters of this already, so I just thought I’d upload the second one right away, and the next few updates will also probably be really fast! This chapter is named after the LCD Soundsystem song, which I imagined to be aptly playing in Starbucks in this chapter, but thought it would be too corny to add in haha

Trixie had spent a solid four minutes and thirty   
-seven seconds staring at Katya sleeping on her sofa this morning. None of this felt real still- too much time had passed, and yet when she saw the small girl curled in on herself on the sofa, it felt natural anyway, like Katya was a part of the furniture, like she’d always been on Trixie’s sofa. She was completely still in her sleep apart from the gentle rise and fall of her breathing, and it made such a stark difference against normal noisy expressive Katya who was always moving and laughing and taking up the whole room with her energy. When she was asleep, she seemed tiny.  
After setting her up with a blanket and the WiFi password and an awkward hug goodnight, Trixie had spent most of the night crying. Crying for Violet, crying for Katya, crying for her old life. It was a box of memories she didn’t ever dare open anymore. When she had left New York, she had left all of it. It was what was right for her at the time, but the realisation that she would never have a chance to make things right with Violet had floored her. She hadn’t even realised she’d wanted that. She hadn’t ever really thought about it.  
She had to meet Sam in an hour. She didn’t want to, as she stood with a mug of coffee in her hands, staring at Katya, but she knew it was what was right. She owed him an explanation- she couldn’t avoid this part of her life anymore. Not with this crazy russian on her sofa. Downing the last of her coffee, she grabbed a notepad and a fluffy pink pen and scrawled down “Hey Old. I’ll be back soon, help yourself to whatever -Skinny” and then bit her lip, staring at the paper for a minute before writing her new number down underneath it.

He was already waiting in their favourite Starbucks when she rounded the corner. She quickly pulled her phone out to check she wasn’t late, but he was just early. He was never early- Trixie was always early. She felt uneasy as she slipped through the door. It was really busy, full of hungover party people needing their caffeine fix, and he didn’t notice her walking towards him until she was already sitting down. He’d bought her her drink already, a disgusting sugary concoction with all the syrups packed into one easy iced coffee- it was Trixie’s favourite drink, and although it was complicated, he never got it wrong.  
“Hey.” She said awkwardly. He looked really sad, she thought. He looked like he’d been crying. “Look, Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“  
“How was she?”  
His question caught her totally off guard, her mouth falling open slightly and her brows furrowing together.  
“Excuse me?”  
“You heard me. How was she?” Trixie stayed silent. Sam laughed, but there was no humour in it. “I’m not stupid, Trixie. This mysterious Russian lesbian shows up, and you two clearly have history or something, and then you disappear into the night with her on New Years Eve and turn your phone off?”  
“Oh my god, it wasn’t like that.” Trixie was actually dumbfounded. “Nothing happened, Sam. She’s an old friend. She’s going through a lot right now, and-“  
“And that seemed like a valid reason to ditch me on New Years? You’ve never even mentioned this woman to me before, which seems weird if she’s so important. Something’s strange here, Trix. I don’t get it.”  
Trixie took a long sip of her drink, trying to formulate a response. Her face screwed up as she realised he had got the order wrong for the first time ever. Why did everything feel so wrong?  
“Alright.” She said quietly. Her heart was pounding. “Alright, I’ll tell you. But it’s not- it’s not pretty, Sam.”  
He leaned across the table and slid his fingers into hers.   
“You can tell me anything, Trixie. It’s okay.” His words didn’t sound particularly genuine, but his face looked gentle, and that calmed Trixie down. She let out a big shuddering breath. She hadn’t spoke about this at all since she moved to LA, not even to Kim, who had been her friend long before the girls in New York. She had met the girls, was even friends with Katya, and she knew the situation, and she had known better than to ask any questions when Trixie landed at her work in LA one day with all her belongings in suitcases and a tear stained face.  
“Okay, so, you know I lived in New York.” Sam nodded. “A lot of... weird shit went down. I was working at this cabaret club playing music, and they had loads of performers. It was a bit like an art collective, really, we all worked together to put on these crazy shows and it was going super well and was so successful. That’s where I met Katya.” He was staring at her so intensely Trixie could feel herself start to sweat. ‘This is so horrible’ she repeated in her head.  
“She was a dancer, and she was the best. She did gymnastics back in Russia when she was little and could do all these crazy tricks that none of us had ever seen before. Her and Violet were like, our two starring ladies.” Trixie had to close her eyes for a second, as she remembered watching Violet on stage, the way she captivated the whole room, oozing with confidence like nothing Trixie had ever seen before. “Violet did burlesque, and aerial, and people would come from all over for her. She was- she was amazing.” Sam’s grasp on her hand tightened as Trixie gulped down a sob threatening to emerge.  
“I was so in love with the place, so in love with all the people that I didn’t see the darkness until it tried to get me. The owner- Ginger- she was so sweet, but she had a lot of the girls working for her- um- other business too. I was working at the club for like a month and Katya came in with a black eye one day, and she wouldn’t tell me what happened. Once Pearl spent the whole night crying, and none of the other girls questioned it, they just looked after her. Most nights some of the girls would just disappear right after the show, with no explanation- it was like there was some big secret and it was only me that wasn’t in on it.” She was going to pass out, she thought. She was definitely going to pass out. She shouldn’t be talking about this.  
“Then one day Ginger asked if I would be interested in making any extra money, and that’s when it like, all came out. Most of the clubs revenue came from the fact that, for an extra fee, you could take any of the girls home after. And that’s why most of our regulars kept coming back. From the outside it was this beautiful artsy club packed full of talent, but behind the scenes there was so much griminess. Most of the girls had really bad drug problems, and Katya was always trying to help them quit- she was a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, and she cared so much about all of them, but it took its toll on her. I didn’t get involved at first, in any of it, but as time passed it got harder not to. It sounds so crazy, and I know you might hate me for this, but we all just needed the money. And we needed the club.”  
Sam let go of her hand then. Trixie felt bile creep up her throat.  
“You mean- you did it?”  
She couldn’t look up at him, she just nodded and spoke fast. “It’s fucked, I know. But we were a family. And we did what we had to do to keep the club open, to keep the more vulnerable girls off the streets, to keep Ginger in business. Ginger had a halfway house for the girls who couldn’t live on their own, and we all paid money into that when we could. But there was always problems. There was- injuries, there was overdoses. We thought we lost Adore one night, about two years into me working there. Me and Katya found her unconscious in the dressing room, and thank fuck for Katya’s drug knowledge because she knew what to do. Imagine shoving your fingers down someone else’s sleeping throat to make them vomit up all the pills they’d taken, and then being on stage 10 minutes later in a sequinned dress and a smile like nothing happened- that was Club Ginger in a nutshell.”  
Sam’s face was completely unreadable. Trixie didn’t know what he was expecting from this conversation, but it probably wasn’t this. She felt her eyes sting.  
“It was only a few days after that that Katya started taking drugs again. I guess the pressure of trying to keep all those poor junkies in line just made her go, ‘fuck it’. She was my only bit of sanity in that whole place, she was everybody’s anchor. She was the only thing that wasn’t fucked up.”  
“You loved her, didn’t you?”  
The question shocked her. She had never ever spoke to Sam about her feelings for women- she had never found it relevant. Still, he had already assumed it by saying she slept with her. Plus, she was being truthful today. She may as well do it all at once.  
“Yes.”  
Sam just nodded, looking out the window. Trixie could practically see the cogs in his brain turning, knew it must be a LOT to process.   
“But nothing ever happened. We were best friends, and we ended up moving in together after I’d been there about a year. There was a few kisses, and drunk confessions, but we always agreed it wasn’t a healthy situation for a relationship. It would have been doomed to fail.”  
“And now that she’s here?”  
Trixie was silent for a long moment. She was frustrated that he kept making it about him, about their relationship, when she was just trying to get the information out. She felt so exhausted from the power it was taking not to burst into tears in the middle of every sentence. She didn’t want to have to justify her fidelity.  
“I’m with you. And she just needs my support right now. I told you. It’s not like that.”  
He didn’t react. She took another deep shaky breath, and continued.  
“After watching Adore nearly die, and watching Katya fall back into drugs, it all just got too dark for me. I had to get out of there. I finally saw the place for what it was- a dangerous fucking sinkhole. It was destroying everyone I loved and I couldn’t even do anything about it. I just knew I didn’t want to go down with the ship. So I booked my ticket to LA, and left in the middle of the night without so much as telling any of them. I left Katya a letter on my bed and just left. Blocked all their numbers. I didn’t want them to convince me to come back. And I knew they would be able to. It was cowardly and it was fucking wrong, but it was what was best for me and I guess I stand by that. I just guess I never thought about the finality of it.”  
There was a twinge of understanding in Sam’s eyes then, and even, for a brief minute, care. “The girl that died?”  
“Violet.” Trixie felt the tears prickle again. “That’s why Katya’s here. She was killed by a client a few weeks ago- so fucking awful. Not a fair way for anyone to go, but especially not Violet. I guess I just thought I’d see her again, someday. Or I didn’t. I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought.” She swallowed hard, as tears began to run down her face. “But I know that I won’t get to now. And I know I’m not making that mistake again with Katya.”  
Sam nodded again, but the softness had gone from his eyes at the mention of Katya. He fixed Trixie with a hard stare.  
“And in trying to not make that mistake, you thought it’d be a good idea to just ditch me on New Years?”  
Of course. Trixie had nearly forgotten why they were having this discussion in the first place.  
“I know that was shitty, and I’m sorry. I just got overwhelmed that she was there- it’s been three years, she had only just told me Violet had died, she was so upset she was hyperventilating- I didn’t even think about what night it was, I just had to get her somewhere safe. But I should have told you I was leaving, or brought you with us-“  
“No, Trixie, you shouldn’t have left at all.” His tone was strict, like he was telling her off. She felt immeasurably young. “She’s just walked back into your life and she’s higher on your priorities than me? Some hooker junkie?” Trixie’s blood started instantly burning.   
“She’s not just some hooker junkie, Sam. She’s a person, and she’s very important to me. It’s not as black and white as her being more of a priority-“  
“Are you sure? Because it sure seems that way.” He snapped. He was like a child having a tantrum. It was pathetic, Trixie thought, feeling her anger radiate through her body. “Besides, you would never have brought me with you. If you had you wouldn’t have been able to sleep with her.”  
That was it.  
“You know, I’m trying my best here to explain this to you. I know I fucked up and I know I’ve lied about a lot. But look at the way you’re fucking reacting, what was I meant to do? I knew you’d be like this if I told you about my past. I fucking knew it. I’m sorry if I acted a little out of turn because I was just told one of my old friends was fucking murdered by the very demon I had to run here to get away from. I’m sorry if that caused me to be a little irrational, Sam. It wasn’t exactly an easy fucking night, so please stop making it all about you.” She was practically hissing, trying hard to not raise her voice and be heard by the whole crowded Starbucks. She could feel herself vibrate with rage. He looked at her for a long moment with disgust in his eyes before he pushed his chair back to stand.  
“You know, I don’t even know who you are anymore.” He said, and she had never heard his voice sound so spiteful. “Just so you know, I took someone else home last night too. I thought, well, if you were doing it, I may as well. Glad to know I have no reason to feel guilty.”  
She was literally gobsmacked, too shocked to even react. Her mouth hung open as she stared at him in disbelief. He’d done what?  
He was already half way down the street by the time she had collected herself enough to run after him. She threw her Starbucks cup at him to get his attention, the lid popping off and running disgusting syrup down his back. He whipped round, face like thunder, and then just turned his back on her again when he saw it was her.  
“I didn’t fuck her, you pig!” She screamed, tears streaming down her face now. “I would never fucking do that to you! You fucking asshole!”   
People were staring at her, but she didn’t care anymore. He continued to walk off as if she had never said anything, and she sat down at the side of the road, put her head in her hands and cried her eyes out. She cried until she knew she must have looked like a horrible mascara-stained mess. She cried like a child, completely free of caring what anyone walking by thought. She had no idea how long she had sat there crying for, but eventually she heard her phone beep in her pocket. She pulled it out, blinking hard to get her eyes to focus.

1-800-555555  
Hey, you’ve been gone for a while, do you want me to leave?

1-800-555555  
It’s Katya, by the way. Katya Zamolodchikova, obviously 

She laughed a little at the second message, and quickly added Katya to her contacts before hitting call. It only rang once before Katya answered.

“Go for Barbara?”  
“Hey, old lady. Sorry I’ve been gone so long, I’m coming home now. Have you destroyed my flat yet?”  
“I wouldn’t say that, but there is a fire in the kitchen threatening to grow at a distressing rate- it was there when I woke up though, I swear.”  
Trixie laughed at that, feeling warmth in her heart that Katya could still make her laugh even when she felt awful. It was always her best talent, gymnastics be damned.  
“You okay, кчкла? You sound like you’ve been crying?”   
Trixie kicked a stone with her pink pumps. She didn’t really know how to answer. ‘Oh, my boyfriend just cheated on me because he thought I was cheating on him with you?’  
“I’ll fill you in when I’m back.” She decided on. She could think of a way to breach this on the way.  
“Alright, I’ll make us some food for when you’re home. Way of thanks for letting me stay. As long as you’re okay?”  
Trixie thought about returning to her flat to find Katya cooking, (she never used to be able to cook, yet another thing that has changed) about being able to hug her and talk to her about her day like she used to. She thought about that easy communication, that effortless banter that flowed between them, even now. She felt a smile radiate across her face.  
“Yeah,” she answered honestly. “I’m great.”

When Trixie walked back up to her apartment building, she saw Katya standing in the driveway, holding a bag of takeout food and talking to a delivery driver. She looked so goofy, with her hair up in two messy pigtails and in a dress of Trixie’s that was far too big for her small frame. As the driver drove off, she saw Trixie walking towards her and waved big and bright.   
“Trixie! Look! I made dinner!”  
Trixie had to stop walking for a minute to laugh.  
“I should have known when you said you were cooking, you rotted bitch.”   
“Well if you had have been five minutes longer I could have put this on plates and you’d have been none the wiser.”  
As Katya wrapped her in a one armed hug, she noticed that she wasn’t wearing any shoes. Her toenails were painted a bright pink colour that could only have been a polish of Trixie’s, and her hair was still damp in its pigtails. It made Trixie think of all the evenings Katya would come into her room at night, fresh out of the shower, and sit on her bed painting her toenails as they talked about anything and everything. Don’t get polish on my bedsheets, Trixie would whine, that’s mine you bitch, don’t use that to paint your gross toes, and Katya would just cackle like a witch and continue, knowing Trixie didn’t really care. Now that the initial shock of Katya being here had faded, Trixie was really able to realise how much she’d missed her. Even if she knew for certain there’d be a bright pink nail polish stain on her bedsheets when she got up there. She looked at Katya for a minute too long after their hug, causing Katya to giggle.   
“What? What is it?”  
“Nothing, I just like you!” Trixie huffed.  
Katya was off in full hysterics then, laughing so hard she nearly dropped the food as they walked up the stairs to Trixie’s apartment.  
She had music playing quietly when they walked in, some chill grungy band that Trixie had never heard of. All the windows were open, and it smelt like incense, which meant it really smelt like cigarettes. It was weird how Katya was able to make any space feel so Katya in such a short space of time. It was weird how okay with it Trixie was.  
“Penny for your thoughts?” Katya asked, as she unpacked the food.  
“I was just wondering how you still remember my Thai food order.”  
“Funny, I was just wondering why you’re so boring your Thai food order hasn’t changed in three years.”  
Trixie yelled with laughter at that, sliding her jacket and bag off and kicking her pumps somewhere.  
“Seriously, Barbie, what’s going down?” Katya questioned again, looking at her through her choppy bangs. Trixie sighed as she settled into the sofa and Katya handed her her food.  
“I went to see Sam earlier, figured I needed to clear the air after ditching him last night. And now, um, I think I’m single.”  
Katya nearly choked on a noodle.  
“Oh fuck, Trix, I’m so sorry! Was he really that pissed you left him last night?”  
“No, don’t be silly. It wasn’t your fault. He just- fuck. I told him about New York and about Ginger, and about- um- you and me,” Katya quickly turned her eyes to her food, “And I guess he got it into his head that I cheated on him last night. And then he revealed that he was so sure of that last night, that he took someone home and actually DID cheat.”  
Katya gasped out loud, looking back at Trixie with wide eyes.   
“That fucking CUNT! Oh Trix, I’ll kill him I swear, Я из России, я вырежу суку-“  
“No no, Katya, it’s fine, honestly. It feels like such small fish in this ocean of shit that’s going on right now.”  
Katya’s face settled, and she nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s fair. He seemed like a dick anyway, and he had a bad handshake. Dodged a bullet there, Barbara.”  
Trixie laughed at her stupid Barbara voice. She was right in what she said to Katya, he definitely was small fish right now, but in reality that didn’t make her feel any better about it.   
“What about Ginger, anyway?” Trixie asked, wanting to change the subject. “Whats happening with the club?”  
Katya sighed, brows furrowing together. “Well, her leading lady just KO’d, and then her other leading lady pulled a total Trixie and fucked off to LA, so probably not much.” Trixie snorted at her bad taste joke, and a small smile crept up on Katya’s face before she went serious again. “But no, for real, she says she isn’t dealing with that shit anymore. Said it wouldn’t be responsible after Violet and that she wouldn’t be able to risk it happening to any of the other girls. Club Ginger has gone legal, once it reopens- they’ve been closed since we found out about Vi.”  
Trixie nodded slowly. She guessed it was probably the best reaction Ginger could have taken, rather than continuing the side business. It still felt dodgy that it took a girl to literally die before she’d realised the consequences, though.  
“Are you going back?” She asked, so quiet Katya had to ask her to repeat it. She had been wondering all day, if she was honest with herself.  
“I don’t know, Trix. I’ve been barely working there recently anyway, I’ve been teaching yoga and making a good bit of money doing tarot readings, I only do it like twice a month now. The drug scene in there has been a bit much for me to bear for a while, even before Violet. It’s already led me back down the rabbit hole once. I had to distance myself when I got sober this time, I knew I wasn’t strong enough to be around it constantly. And now I just feel like- I don’t want to go back at all.”  
Katya’s brutal honestly about her struggle with addiction was always something Trixie admired so much about her. While other people might dance around it, make excuses, Katya would say ‘yeah, it’s because of the coke.’ It was important to have people like that, Trixie thought. She knew how many poor girls Katya had helped with that very openness.  
“Besides, it seems like a good time to respectfully bow out. It’s just a case of like, what now?”  
“Are you thinking about staying in LA?”  
Katya considered her question for a minute, winding a noodle all the way round her fork only for it to fall off again.   
“If I don’t have the club, I don’t really have a reason to stay in New York. I don’t know, I guess I’m just playing it by ear. I’m kind of a mess right now.” She shrugged. “I guess I’ll have to make the call soon because I don’t think Kim wants all my stuff cluttering up her place, especially when I keep ending up not even sleeping there.”  
“You’re staying with Kim?” Trixie was surprised. She didn’t know where she thought Katya was staying, but Kim was her best friend, and she was surprised she hadn’t mentioned Katya’s arrival. She didn’t even realise the two kept in touch.  
“Well, ‘staying with’ might be an exaggeration. I left my bags there when I landed yesterday, asked her where you were and immediately left.”  
The thought of Katya coming all the way to LA for Trixie made her heart warm. The next words were out of her mouth before she could think about them.  
“You could stay here if you want? Until you work it out?”  
Katya looked up at Trixie from her noodles, one eyebrow raised and her eyes bright.  
“Are you sure? That wouldn’t be like... too weird for you?”  
“Not at all! Honestly, I hate living on my own. It’s so quiet. I don’t have another bed, but we can take turns on the sofa?”  
Her own words were surprising her. How did she go from not being able to even think about Katya, to asking her to live with her, in under 24 hours?  
Trixie hadn’t seen Katya so genuinely beaming with happiness since she had arrived. She squealed and threw her arms around Trixie, nearly spilling both their Thai food over their laps.  
“Oh Trix, thank you thank you thank you! I’ll go round and get my bags from Kim later. I’m so excited! It’ll be just like old times!” When they pulled away, Trixie noticed tears brimming in her old friends eyes. “I missed you so much, Trix.” She half laughed. Trixie pulled her into another hug, and this time she was fairly certain she’d knocked noodles down Katya’s legs. She held her for a long minute, head buried in her damp hair that smelt like Trixie’s own shampoo. She felt tears come to her own eyes as she whispered “I missed you too. I missed you too.” Over and over.  
That night they barely moved from their position on the sofa, except for Trixie forcing Katya to the window to smoke, they just sat and talked for hours. Katya caught her up on what the other girls had been up to, and Trixie filled her in on what it was like living in LA. Katya told her all about her yoga classes and tarot readings, and Trixie’s heart beamed as she saw her get excited about it, pacing the floor with a cigarette in hand, window rule be damned, gesticulating wildly as she talked about why she loved tarot and how she had so many ex addicts who went to her yoga classes, how happy she was that she’d found a way to help people and be distant enough to stay healthy herself. They talked about Violet, reminiscing on her bitchiness and telling stories, laughing and crying as they remembered her. Katya decided she’d just go to Kim’s for her stuff tomorrow as it was really late, and after insisting she was okay on the sofa and that Trixie was to go to bed, they hugged for the hundredth time that night, and Trixie couldn’t be happier that she had this woman back in her life. Even when she walked into her room and noticed a bright pink nail polish stain on her bedsheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love using a curious boyfriend as a device to tell backstory, don’t we gals


	3. Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seventeen (Reprise) from Heathers is one of the most beautiful musical numbers in the world and I would advise listening to it when you read this chapter xo

“Listen up folks, war is over, brand new sheriffs come to town,”

Trixie’s voice interrupted Katya’s meditative trance as she sat in the lotus position on Trixie’s fire escape. It wasn’t very picturesque, but she preferred to do yoga outside. She smiled to herself as she relaxed into the sound of Trixie singing that was pouring out the windows Katya had opened when she woke this morning. The song was playing quietly over Trixie’s shitty speakers, only just audible over her singing.

“We are done, with acting evil, we will lay our weapons down,”

She hummed along gently to herself as she slowly unraveled her legs, stretching all her sore muscles from two nights on a tiny sofa. She pushed her hands up towards the sun, as if she was trying to grab it, and smiled at the sky with childish joy. 

“We’re all damaged, we’re all frightened, we’re all freaks but that’s alright,”

Standing up, she rolled up the old yoga mat she’d found in Trixie’s cupboard, making a mental note to finally go get her stuff from Kim’s today.

“We’ll endure it, we’ll survive it, Katya are you free tonight?” 

“Not a chance, you Gila monster!” She shouted through the window. Trixie just gave her the finger. Katya giggled as she lifted her cigarettes off the inside window sill and tapped one out, leaning through into the kitchen as she lit it. 

“Good morning to you, too. You know that’s not what I meant when I told you to smoke out the window.”  
Katya gave her the finger right back. She watched Trixie making coffee as she smoked, her hair all soft and messy like the fairy ornament on the shelf. With no makeup on and in a flowy baby pink nightgown, she looked so beautiful. Katya always loved seeing her like this, it was so different from her glam self, and it was a sight most people didn’t have the honour of seeing. She smiled to herself as Trixie started to sing again.

“I can’t promise no more Heathers, high school may not ever end. Still, I miss you, I’d be honoured, if you’d let me be your friend,”  
“My friend...”  
Despite her better judgement, Katya joined in. She hated her singing voice, but she loved singing with Trixie. She knew Trixie didn’t mind that she sounded bad, even though Trixie herself had the voice of an angel.

“We can be seventeen, we can learn how to chill. If no one loves me now, someday somebody will,”

Hopping through the window with her cigarette still in hand, Katya went to turn the volume on the speakers up.

“We can be seventeen, still time to make things right, one day we’ll change the world- but let’s kick back tonight!”

As the beat of the song changed, she started dancing wildly, bumping hips with Trixie, making her nearly spill coffee and squeal loudly. Katya grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her into the middle of the room to dance with her, as they laughed and sang at the top of their lungs, badly. 

“Let’s go be seventeen, take off our clothes and dance, act like we’re all still kids, cos this could be our final chance,”

They spun wildly round the room, grabbing onto eachother and acting like goofballs, whipping out all their best bad dancing.

“Always be seventeen, celebrate you and I, maybe we won’t grow old, and maybe then we’ll never die,”

This was a song they used to dance to often while getting ready for a show, excited to perform, eyeliner left half done as they twirled and laughed and sang loud enough for the downstairs neighbours of their shitty apartment to complain more than once. It was moments like that that they could forget all the sadness that plagued their jobs. It wasn’t all bad.

“We’ll make it beautiful!”

Katya grabbed Trixie by the sides of the face, squeezing her cheeks and singing dramatically. Trixie was laughing so hard. She loved making Trixie laugh, she never cared how stupid she had to act to make it happen.

“We’ll make it beautiful!”

Trixie grasped Katya’s forearms, squeezing as tight as she could as they sang. They had stopped moving now, just pressed up close to eachother and panting.

“Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,”

Katya hadn’t realised how close she was to Trixie until she realised she could feel her breath on her face. She hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone so bad since Trixie had left. Neither of them were singing now, but the track played on.

“Beautiful-”

Aggressive banging on the door shocked them both out of their trance.  
“Shit!” Trixie hissed, dropping Katya’s arms and running to the speaker, turning it off quickly. Katya stayed in place, hands still raised as if Trixie’s face was still between them. She dropped them quickly when she realised, and let out a slow breath. Calm down, girl.  
Trixie practically ice skated to the door in her haste to answer it, and as soon as she did, the tallest woman Katya had ever seen strode in, not even looking at Trixie or Katya until she was in the centre of the room, where she turned round and fixed them both with a glare. She had an afro so massive it seemed inconceivable for a white woman, and her dress seemed far too glamorous for this early hour. But then, Katya was friends with Trixie, so she couldn’t judge.  
“Miss Trixie, I like living below you because you are capital Q, Quiet. Q-u-i-e-t, child. Apart from your goose laugh. Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on here on this day?”  
She had a tone that made her sound like she wasn’t even mad despite her face and the words she was saying, and Katya was heavily amused by her instantly. Maybe it was just her heavy Texas drawl.  
“I’m sorry, Alyssa, I just got a little bit carried away.” Trixie giggled as Katya walked over to the window awkwardly, and leant one side of her body out so she could finish the cigarette she’d forgotten was still in her hand. Moving was a bad choice. The Alyssa woman spun towards her.  
“And as for you, miss namaste- yes, I saw you getting your yoga gig on this morning,” Katya barely suppressed a burst of laughter at that. “I don’t know who you are, but I don’t gotta sleep with earplugs in since miss Trixie moved in. Keep it that way.” She popped her tongue at the two girls before striding out of the flat with as much intention and confidence as she strode in with, muttering something about how Trixie needed to put mascara on. Trixie had barely shut the door two seconds before Katya had erupted into a laughing fit. Trixie was right after her, laughing until she was bent double.  
“Miss Trixie,” Katya imitated badly, “why the hell are you having fun at such an ungodly hour?”  
Trixie cackled, standing upright to go finish the coffee she had abandoned for the calling of musical theatre.  
“She’s a sweetheart really, she just doesn’t take any shit. I love her.”  
“Bitch, I love her too, and I just met her.” Katya wheezed, flicking her cigarette somewhere out the window to go help Trixie. She was glad for the distraction Alyssa had brought. Things had been about to get weird. “Sorry I got you yelled at by your hilarious neighbour.”  
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Trixie laughed. “Remember the Jeffersons? We fully used to give them heart attacks dancing about upstairs.”  
“Yeah.” Katya smiled, leaning up against the counter. “Absolute trouble makers, us.”

The rest of the day was spent fairly uneventfully. Trixie didn’t have to go back to her job teaching guitar to kids in a nearby high school for another few days, so she was able to go with Katya to Kim’s house to get all her stuff. Katya couldn’t help but notice all Kim’s pointed looks between the two of them, and how it made Trixie flustered. She hadn’t brought much with her, but Trixie insisted on helping her carry it. Things had been kind of weird since the morning. The burning desire to lean up and kiss Trixie had kind of shocked Katya, but she supposed it made sense. She knew she hadn’t ever really gotten over Trixie. She’d be lying if she said it wasn’t why her leaving hit her so hard. Of course, Trixie was her best friend and her roommate, and losing that had sucked insanely- but losing the chance of building something with her someday had broken her heart. Katya had always loved Trixie.  
The note she had left on her bed was filled with apologies, promises that she had no bad feelings towards Katya- it had just all been too much. Katya had cried for days, wracked with guilt, she knew at least part of the reason had to be her recent relapse and erratic behaviour. She had called Trixie relentlessly to always be met with the dial tone- Trixie had blocked her number. She was angry.  
They had never spoken much about the obvious attraction for each other. They had kissed a few times- once on stage fairly soon into their friendship, in the middle of one of Trixie’s first burlesque numbers. It had taken a while for the girls to convince her to take the plunge into one of their group performances, and she had looked so beautiful under the stage lights in her corset and stockings. The number was messy and under rehearsed, and they had danced together, wrapping each other in their boas, and the heat and the lights and the dirtiness lit a fire in Katya’s belly, and she had dragged Trixie into a messy kiss that made the crowd cheer and holler. They hadn’t talked about it- it wasn’t rare for Gingers girls to kiss each other on stage- but it had felt distinctly different to Katya. It was the first time she’d done it for herself, and not for the crowd.  
The next time they had kissed was almost a year later. It was a night Trixie was off, but had came to the club to support the girls anyway, and she had got really drunk and cried to Katya that she hated watching men take her home, that it made her sick to her stomach. It was hypocritical, but Katya understood. She hated it too, the first time she watched a guy talking to Ginger and pointing at Trixie, and money exchanging hands- she wanted to scream, she wanted to kill him, she wanted to kill Ginger, but she had just gone for a cigarette instead. It was the name of the game, and none of them ever really discussed it. Even though Katya and Trixie always waited up for eachother to come home late from a client, with a simple question of whether they were okay, they went to bed with no further discussion. Katya found it hard thinking about it with any of the girls, but it was a fuck lot worse when it was Trixie.  
That night was the only night Katya had ever turned down a customer. She told Ginger she wasn’t feeling well, and Ginger had raised an eyebrow at her, but didn’t push it. She had never forced any of them into it, she always made it clear it wasn’t a prerequisite for working there. Katya had been thankful for that. After, she had bundled Trixie into an Uber, and put her drunk ass to bed in the flat they now shared, and Trixie had leant up from her bed and kissed her. “Thank you,” Trixie had said. There was so much unspoken. Katya went to bed.  
It wasn’t too long after that that they laid in bed together, and Trixie was drunk again, and Katya oh so badly wished that SHE was drunk, because she couldn’t handle this. Trixie was holding her hand, and had whispered, gently, in a tone so quiet that she maybe didn’t even think Katya would hear her; “I’m falling for you.”  
Katya was staring at the ceiling, feeling her heart thud in her chest and tears in her eyes. She felt pathetic as she told her that she couldn’t be with anyone when she was still an escort, and certainly not if they were one too. It was all so broken and complicated, and breaching the line between friendship and lovers would only bring so much more pain into that equation, no matter how much they wanted to breach it. Because she did, she reassured Trixie, she did want to breach it, she wanted HER- but she couldn’t, not like this. She thought Trixie would be mad at her, but when she finally turned her head to where Trixie was curled up against her side, she could see the understanding on her face, even in the semi-dark. She kissed Katya’s shoulder, and she could feel the wet on her face against her arm, the tears that must be there.  
“I know.” Trixie had said. “I know.”  
The last time they had kissed was only about a week before Trixie had left. Trixie had just found out Katya had been taking drugs again, found her in the dressing room with Adore and Pearl and lines of speed on the table, and she had yelled at her for what felt like an age. They were in the back alley, and Trixie was crying, and she was hysterical, and what was the big deal Katya had thought, her mind racing, pacing back and forth to try and expel some of the energy she was meant to be dancing off right now, it wasn’t even a big deal, it made it easier for her to be on stage and sleep with men and put up with the other girls, and she had yelled that at Trixie, and Trixie just laughed brokenly, said that she must be really far down the rabbit hole if she actually believed that shit all of a sudden. Katya was fed up then, and simply marched over to Trixie, wrapped a hand round the back of her head and kissed her, hard. She had kissed her back for a few seconds before she shoved her away and stormed off. Katya had cursed and swore and screamed and kicked garbage cans across the street for a good ten minutes before Adore came out to her with a joint in her hand, and she let her cry into her shoulder while they smoked. She thought she had ruined everything, but when she finally spoke to Trixie when they were home that night, Trixie had told her it was okay, and that she was sorry, and that she should have been there for her better. She stopped trying to hide her drug use then, and Trixie continued to try and talk her off the ledge for a few days, and then she had just left. Katya had been right after all. She had ruined everything.  
Thinking about all of this now as she stood in Trixie’s new room, Katya was overwhelmed. Trixie had insisted on Katya sleeping in here tonight, and honestly, she was scared to sleep in the bed she knew would smell like lavender and honey and Trixie. Feelings for Trixie were always going to be unavoidable, Katya thought idly. Guess it was okay to indulge them. She rummaged through her case for a pair of pyjamas, and then she held them in her hands for a while before she put them back, pulling the second drawer of the big chest of drawers open and pulling out one of Trixie’s big sleep shirts instead.  
She had laid there, tossing and turning and unable to sleep for a good hour when she heard Trixie. She had been staring at the ceiling, trying to find a noise to focus on, and had heard the unmistakeable sound of crying, quiet like it was being muffled, coming from the living room. She listened for a minute, unsure of what to do. Would it be weird if she went to check on her? She certainly would have, if it was back in the day, but she hadn’t been here long, and even though their friendship had basically slotted itself back together as easy as anything, there was still a distance there from the time spent apart. She bit her lip, torn like Natalie Imbruglia, and the crying got slightly louder. Fuck it, thought Katya, she couldn’t listen to that and not check on Trixie.  
She padded over to the door and opened it slowly. The lights in the living room were off, but she could see the silhouette of where Trixie was through the streetlights through the window. She stopped crying the second the door opened.  
“Trixie?” Katya said gently. “Are you okay?”  
“N-not really.” Trixie hiccuped.  
“Can I turn the light on?”  
She thought she could kind of see her nodding in the dark, so she fumbled around for the light switch for a minute before finally finding it. The light revealed a very dishevelled looking Trixie, with her knees pulled up to her chest and tear tracks down her face. It damn near broke Katya’s heart to think of her sitting here in the dark on her own crying, and she was very glad she got out of bed.  
“Oh, солнышко. Come here.” She walked over to Trixie, who let her sit down beside her and wrap her in her arms with no hesitation. Trixie leant into her touch, burying her face in her shoulder and beginning to cry again. She rubbed circles into her back and curled her legs up, basically pulling Trixie up into her lap. They sat there for a long while until Trixie pulled away to speak, tears still pouring out.  
“I’m so sorry.” she whined, and Katya chuckled.  
“Don’t be sorry, кукла.” She purred, stroking her hair and giving her a reassuring smile.  
“No, I am. This must be so much harder for you than it is for me, you knew Violet so much better. It’s not fair for me to be crying and you to be consoling me.” She hiccuped.  
“No no, Trixie don’t say that. Just because I knew her better doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be sad.” She reached up and wiped Trixie’s face gently with her thumbs, swiping away her tears. Her stomach tightened as Trixie closed her eyes at the touch. “Plus, I’ve been crying for weeks. This is new to you. It’s okay.”  
“I guess. I just feel so shit that she probably thought I hated her. She used to be so important to me, and then I just disappeared, and I did it to all of you. I ignored her for three years and now I don’t have a chance to fix that.”  
“She didn’t think you hated her.” Katya winced, her heart in her throat. “She was the only one that really got it at the start. She always said you made the right choice. She was the one who dragged me out of the flat when I wouldn’t leave and told me to grow the fuck up and be happy for you for getting out.”  
Trixie’s eyes flickered open again, looking at Katya, looking so pure and innocent. All Katya wanted to do was wrap her in bubble wrap and protect her from the big bad world.  
“Is that true?” Trixie whispered.  
“Completely.” She reassured Trixie. She pulled her back into her embrace, and Trixie snuggled against her easily. Katya was sure she could hear her pounding heart from where her ear was pressed against her chest. Sure enough, she started lightly drumming the beat against Katya’s arm with her fingers.  
“It could have been you.” Trixie said quietly. Katya was silent for a minute, processing what she had said. “For all I knew, you could have been dead. How fucked is that? How did I let myself be in a situation where you could have been dead and I wouldn’t even know?”  
Katya swallowed. How the fuck was she meant to respond to that?  
“Well, I’m not.” She settled on. “I’m right here. It’s okay. I’ve got you. And please don’t feel bad for feeling sad, Trixie. I was a total mess before I came here. I cried my heart out for weeks, just kind of wandered around New York like a ghost, didn’t speak to anyone. I’ve done my big dramatic grieving. I’ve processed the worst of it. Let me be here for you.”  
She didn’t say that being around Trixie is what snapped her out of it. She didn’t have to. Trixie took her hand.  
They sat there for so long that Trixie’s breathing evened out, and Katya knew she’d fallen asleep. She tried to gently slide out from under her and lay her down, but Trixie’s eyes fluttered open, and she whined at the loss of contact.  
“Can I sleep with you?” She said gently. She looked so lost, so broken, and Katya nodded her head without thinking. They went into Trixie’s bedroom, and curled up together, like they used to anytime either of them had a bad day or couldn’t sleep. Or sometimes just because they wanted to.  
“Why are you in my shirt?” Trixie questioned, snuggled into Katya’s side.  
“I couldn’t find my pyjamas.” Katya lied.


	4. Pink Kettle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short little chapter that is basically a continuation of the last one! Just a little insight into Trixie’s brain. It’s pretty much just for my own enjoyment and not important to the story but oh well. I was in the middle of writing the next proper chapter, and I realised I wanted to add this in, so I took a detour! lol ♥️

Trixie couldn’t help but be shocked for a moment when she woke up in Katya’s arms. In her half asleep state she had forgotten the past few days and assumed it to be Sam, and only when she blinked open her eyes and clocked the nail polish on the fingers did she realise it wasn’t, and it all came flooding back to her. She turned around to face Katya, as gently as she could so as to not wake her, and stared at her sleeping face for a moment before sighing and sliding out of her grip.  
This could not be healthy, she thought as she padded out to the kitchen. Her and Katya had always found it difficult to maintain a distance, preferring instead to live in each others pockets and bottle up their feelings for each other until they burst out of them in fits of passion. They always told each other everything, except for the things that didn’t need to be said. They were always affectionate with each other, had never quite found it in themselves to resist cuddles and cheek kisses, or even sleeping in each others beds every now and then. Their lack of boundaries probably only ever made things worse, but Trixie didn’t really care. Trixie had always loved Katya.  
They had kissed a few times, and Trixie let her mind remember those moments as she flicked on her pink kettle.  
The first time was only a few weeks into Trixie’s employment at Club Ginger. Despite their range of performance specialities in the cast, the girls always came together to do a group burlesque number at the end of every week. This was usually messy- there were many of them that weren’t dancers- but it was fun, and always full of energy. Trixie had been hesitant at first, but eventually the girls had coaxed her into stockings and a corset, and she had spent a majority of the number dancing alongside Katya. Katya was always in her element in things like this, and Trixie had always been transfixed watching her dance, and this wasn’t an exception. They had wrapped eachother in their boas, growing closer and closer together, until Katya snaked her hands around the back of Trixie’s neck and dragged her down into a rough kiss. Trixie really couldn’t focus on the number after that.  
The next time was a night where Trixie was at the club on a night off. A lot of the girls did this, it was nice to get to watch the show without the stress of being part of it. She hadn’t been out for a while, so she had maybe had a few too many as she watched the show- but it was nice to let loose. Katya had blown her away as always, and Roxxxy had done a questionable rap that amused Trixie for all the wrong reasons, and Adore had closed the show by singing one of her always (surprisingly) popular original rock songs, head-banging on stage and spitting water into the crowd and being her ludicrous little punk self. Trixie had loved it.  
She was getting her stuff together to go backstage to speak to everyone when she heard a guy talking to his friend about ‘the sexy little Russian one’, heard them arguing about who was going to have her tonight, and they laughed and roared as they pretended to fight their way over to Ginger to pay her for Katya’s services. Trixie’s heart had dropped right into her stomach. Hearing them talk about Katya like that made her so angry. She wasn’t stupid, she knew it happened, but she had always avoided thinking about it. She really couldn’t after that. She had came into the dressing room crying, and after Katya sat her down on her chair and held her hands and knelt down on the floor beside her with her beautiful blue eyes asking her what was wrong, it was all Trixie could take not to explode. She choked out a pathetic drunk explanation that probably didn’t make much sense and probably made her seem like a psycho, but Katya had just hugged her and told her it was okay, that she was coming with her back to the apartment as soon as she spoke to Ginger. Back at their place she had helped Trixie into bed and got her water and been so sweet, and Trixie sat up in her bed and kissed her without even thinking. It was slow, and soft, nothing like their first kiss, and even though Trixie had been blind drunk, she memorised every second.  
A few nights later she had been lying beside Katya in her bed, and she had found her hand under the covers and was squeezing it tight. She wondered to herself if Katya minded her being around her like this when she was drunk. She didn’t want to be another burden to Katya’s sobriety like some of the other girls, she didn’t want to strain her. She didn’t want to do anything for Katya but make her happy. She smiled lazily at the thought, and whispered into the darkness; “I’m falling for you.”  
She heard Katya’s breath hitch, and the tears sprung in her eyes as Katya told her everything she already knew. They couldn’t be together. Not like this. Trixie knew that, had it cemented in her mind when she heard those men talking about Katya. She wouldn’t cope. Katya turned her head to look at her, and she realised she had been silent for a while. She pressed a kiss onto Katya’s shoulder.  
“I know.” She said simply. “I know.”  
Then, of course, there had been the worst one. Trixie had had her suspicions for a few weeks, knew her best friend well enough to recognise her strange behaviour, to recognise her enhanced pupils. She had avoided bringing it up for fear she was wrong, knew it was a heavy accusation to lay at the door of someone who had been clean for so many years. And deep down, she was hoping she was wrong. She didn’t really want to hear the answer.  
Katya was in the middle of taking a line when she walked into the dressing room.  
She had never been angry like this before. She was practically vibrating, and she knew she looked a mess right now, tears streaming down her face and screaming at her friend in the back alley. She was so disappointed. Katya had been a role model to all these girls, the poster child for ‘you don’t have to do this forever, I didn’t!’ and there she was, pissing all that up the wall. She had been a role model to Trixie too, who had always admired her bravery and strength, found it the most beautiful thing about her. Maybe she was wrong to be so angry, in hindsight. But she couldn’t help it.  
Katya had just been pacing in front of her, dragging hands through her hair and burning it on her cigarette in the process. She had bitten back, tried to defend herself, tried to excuse it, and Trixie only mocked her. And then Katya had marched right up to her, and kissed her before Trixie knew what to do with herself. This was different again from their first two kisses, hard and forceful and angry, and Trixie let herself be caught up in it for a few seconds before she pushed Katya off her. She ran inside.  
She locked herself in a toilet cubicle and cried for what felt like hours. The girl in the alley- Trixie didn’t know her. That wasn’t Katya. Maybe it was who Katya was before she got sober, but she wasn’t Trixie’s Katya. Katya was exciting and messy, like on the stage, and she was caring and soft, like on Trixie’s bed, but she was never angry, not like that. She was never forceful. Not like that.  
She tried her best to adjust to this new Katya, tried to help her, had even waited until the last minute to buy her plane ticket- but she knew in that toilet cubicle that she had to leave.  
The kettle was done. Trixie sighed heavily. Not healthy at all, she thought to herself as she began making coffee. But then, they never were. There didn’t seem like any point. Feelings for Katya were always going to be unavoidable, Trixie thought idly. Guess it was okay to indulge them. She put the coffee away again, emptied the kettle, and tip toed back into her bedroom, sliding right back into bed beside Katya.


	5. UNHhhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who’s excited about new UNHhhhh announced at dragcon this weekend??? Me, Brenda

Katya nearly tripped over herself running up the stairs to Trixie’s apartment. She had ran the whole way back from the recreation centre she was currently teaching yoga at, anxious to see Trixie face to face and tell her her idea. She’d been there for a few weeks now, unspoken that she probably wasn’t going anywhere soon, and since the night they had slept in Trixie’s bed together, they hadn’t slept apart. Katya told herself it was because the sofa was so uncomfy, but she knew that wasn’t why.  
She went to turn the handle to find it locked, and she swore loudly, knowing that meant Trixie wasn’t home yet. She unlocked it and spent the half hour before Trixie arrived pacing the floor, going back and forth to write things down in her notebook on the kitchen counter, smoking like a train and her brain going wild, muttering to herself in Russian. When Trixie walked through the door, Katya nearly bowled her over like an excited dog.  
“Trixie Trixie Trixie! I’ve had the best idea!” She said frantically, dragging Trixie into the apartment by her wrist. Trixie had a small smile, and her brow was furrowed in confusion.  
“Okay...?”  
“So you know how we miss the fuck out of Club Ginger? Like, performing and stuff, like, the good stuff?”  
“I mean, sure...”  
“So I was talking to this girl Tatianna at my yoga class, and she was saying she does this like, weird 90’s beatnik spoken word performance thing, and she showed me a video and she’s HILARIOUS, Trixie she’s so funny, but she was saying she doesn’t really have anywhere to perform anymore.”  
Katya was speaking at the speed of light, her eyes bright, and she was waving her hands everywhere, her goofy pigtails bouncing as she paced back and forth. She looked so cute when she was excited like this, Trixie thought.  
“So I was thinking about how she would have done so well at Club Ginger yknow, cos Ginger always got in really weird acts that did such different stuff, and then it hit me!”  
Trixie just stared at her as if the answer wasn’t blatantly obvious. Katya threw her hands in the air.  
“We start our own cabaret club, Trixie! We’d probably have to start by doing just the occasional night wherever to raise money to get a premises like Ginger did, and to get our names out there, but we can totally do that! And we can do it right, Trixie. We can have a strict no drugs policy and obviously none of the prostitution, we can have our own Club Ginger but make it right. All the good bits without the darkness, Trixie, it’s been staring at us in the face!”  
She grabbed Trixie’s shoulders, shaking her in excitement.  
“I- I don’t know, Katya. I don’t perform anymore.”  
“Why the fuck not? You shouldn’t waste your talent like that, Trix. Tell me this isn’t a fantastic idea.”  
Trixie just looked at her for a minute before a smile spread across her face.  
“I mean... yeah. You’re right, it is a fantastic idea.” She admitted. “But where would we start? There’s a big difference between being a performer and running a club, or even putting a show on.”  
“I’ve made lists!” Katya exclaimed, running for her notebook and pushing it into Trixie’s hands, as if she could read it even though it was all in Russian. Trixie chuckled.  
“And I’ve already rang Ginger, she’s gonna skype us later and help us with details.”  
In the past few weeks, Trixie had slowly reconnected with everyone, Skyping and calling and chatting over messenger with all her old friends. It felt really good, even if she couldn’t see them in real life. They had all welcomed her back with open arms, not asking any questions, not even Ginger, and Trixie suspected Katya had something to do with their understanding. It felt really good. It felt like coming home.  
“We need to find a venue, and a few performers, but I think a lot of it should be us two for now, yknow, to build the brand or whatever? Tatianna’s up for it, and Alyssa probably knows some people because she’s a dance teacher, right? And we can host it, and promo the fuck out of it all over the Internet, and I really think this could be really great, Trixie!”  
Trixie smiled warmly at her.  
“I think so too.” She agreed, finally. “What would we call it?”  
“Oh gosh, uhh, that’s one thing I didn’t think of.” Katya said, flicking through her notebook so fast Trixie didn’t believe she could possibly be reading it, before slamming it shut. “How bout ‘two girls, one cup of noodles’?” Trixie snorted at her suggestion.  
“What about ‘nightgowns and robes’? And that’s our thing, we just wear nightgowns and robes.”  
Katya grabbed her arm, and looked at her with dead seriousness as she retorted; “No, ‘spiritual beings having a human experience’ or ‘sewer rats trying to make the best of it’.” Trixie cackled with laughter at that. “No, or we could call it ‘more than half the battle is just about showing up’.”  
“Ask Pearl.” Trixie deadpanned, causing Katya to wheeze with laughter. “What about, um, ‘she might have a gap tooth but I still think she’s pretty’.” More wheezy laughter.  
“‘She’s fat, but I’ll fuck her!’” Wheezed Katya in her stupid Maureen voice.  
“What about like, ‘Russian Dolls’? Because you’re russian-“  
“And you’re a doll!”  
“‘1-800-we could help you but we won’t’.”  
“‘Hot Pussy’!”  
“‘Unhhhhh.’” Trixie fake moaned, and Katya slapped her arm as she descended into a real fit of laughter then.  
“Post verbal! Our show is post verbal!”

.....

“At the end of this corridor is the dressing room, and then that side door leads outside to the alley, for smoke breaks and things like that.” Trixie was being led down the corridor by a cute little woman in a green and brown giraffe print dress. She had her hair pulled up in a big bun, and the friendliest face Trixie had ever seen. Trixie was brimming with excitement; she had seen a sign on the door that said ‘looking for new talent’ had came in to ask about it, played a song for the woman, and been given a job on the spot. New York really is crazy, Trixie had thought. Coming from rural Wisconsin she would never have been able to find opportunities like these, let alone by just walking down the street. The lady had introduced herself as Ginger, (‘like the sign on the door, dollface, can’t you tell?’)and it had made Trixie nervous that she was clearly talking to the club owner, but she was so sweet that that had gone away quickly.  
“There only is one dressing room and a shitload of girls, but it’s big enough and there’s a cornered off changing area, not that many of them bother using it-“ she pushed the door open, leading the far taller woman inside, and Trixie gasped out loud as she took in the room.  
There was colours everywhere, big showgirl feather headpieces, posters and signs and drawings tacked over all available wall space. There were fairy lights draped around all the massive mirrors, as well as fancy ring lights and lamps, and there were dresses in every imaginable colour and fabric laying everywhere, pooled on the floor, on hangers on racks attached to the low ceiling, hanging over the beautifully ornate Chinese wall partition in the corner of the room. A long counter wound it’s way around two thirds of the room, which is where all the big mirrors were resting, and it was covered in makeup and fake nails and hairbrushes, all kinds of madness that made it look like a teenage girls bedroom. There was a set of ballet bars in the corner with silk scarves tied right down the side, making even its boring metal pop. And that’s before she even took in the people.  
The room was noisy, with music playing and about twenty people talking, and everyone there was the kind of crazy beautiful person you’d expect to see in New York. None of them looked even slightly similar- but they all seemed full of life. Trixie’s eyes found a girl sitting on the floor against the wall, in big combat boots and ripped tights, her hair so massive and messy it couldn’t have been brushed in years. There was a tall skinny girl with grey hair, who looked to be the epitome of old Hollywood glamour, and she appeared to be having an argument with a beautiful girl with purple hair who she was trying to lace into a corset. A girl walked across the room and all Trixie could see was her impossibly long, slender, brown legs and ass length hair.  
“Let me see here... Katya! This is Trixie, she’s new. Would you mind keeping an eye on her? I think she’s a little overwhelmed.” Ginger laughed. Trixie realised her eyes must be bugging out of her head, and she tried to look more casual as she turned to the woman Ginger was talking to, but her jaw practically hit the floor.  
She was looking at the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Her platinum blonde hair was cropped into a choppy bob, and she was smiling widely at her with the brightest whitest teeth in the world. Her lips were glossy nude, and her icy blue eyes were lined in thick messy black liner. It would have looked brash on anyone else, but it fit her face beautifully. She was wearing a purple tracksuit, and bright yellow heels, the same colour as her large earrings and bright eyeshadow. She blatantly looked Trixie up and down before biting her lip, and Trixie felt more self conscious in that moment than she had the whole time.  
“Ooft! Ginger, you’re too good to me.” Purred the woman in a thick accent Trixie couldn’t place.  
“Oh for fuck sake Ginger, don’t send her to dyke central.” Yelled the purple haired girl from the other side of the room.  
“Don’t worry Violet, no need to get jealous, I’ll always have time for you.” The blonde retorted, blowing her a kiss. She had unspeakable mischief in her eyes. Trixie was sure she must be bright red.  
“Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova.” She said quickly, holding out her hand for Trixie to shake.  
Trixie blinked.  
“But, um,” the woman continued, looking down at her unshaken hand and back up at Trixie through her eyelashes, not dropping her cheeky smile. “You can just call me Katya.”

.....

Katya closed Trixie’s laptop after they got off the call with Ginger, and turned to her friend with bright eyes and her classic dorky smile.  
“Well?” She gushed, grabbing Trixie’s arm so tight she was sure she’d leave indentations with her nails. “What do you think?”  
Ginger had talked them through all they needed to know before trying to organise their first show, and Katya seemed to write down every single word in her messy Cyrillic, and Trixie had to admit, the excitement had got to her too. Katya was right, with their joint experience of working shows like this for so many years, and their unfortunate joint knowledge on what not to do and how to keep girls safe, they could be really good at this. It only seemed natural, and Trixie was yet again filled with disbelief that this tiny blonde rocket could make the most insane ideas seem like common sense.  
“I think this is going to be amazing, Katya.” Trixie beamed, and Katya squealed, and threw her arms around her.

....

“So this is where the magic happens,” Katya said, spinning in a circle as she stepped onto the large stage from the wings where Trixie was standing. Trixie followed her, looking out at the room full of tables and a dance floor and up at the rigging where the lights would come from at night. Clubs looked weird in the daytime she thought, with no one there. Katya’s voice was echoing through it.  
“DJ booth is at the back there, that’s where Pearl hides when we let her. Don’t be afraid to get down onto the dance floor when you’re performing if there’s no one on it, you can still be seen from the whole room, and people normally respect it being an extension of the stage. And that’s it I guess. Not sure what else Ginger wanted me to show you. Back alley? You smoke, Tracy?”  
Trixie shook her head, still reeling from all the information and by the confidence of this woman. She didn’t even want to correct the wrong name.  
“Wanna come see it anyway? Keep me company?” Katya grinned.

.....

“Hi, I’m the best part of waking up, Trixie Mattel!” Trixie said into the mic, met with laughter from the crowd and from the woman beside her.  
“And I’m the proud owner of an incurable disease, herpes, Katya!” Katya giggled, smiling proudly.  
“And welcome to, UNHhhhh,” They said in unison, rubbing their bodies.  
“The show where we do whatever we want!”  
“Because it’s our show.”  
“And not yours.”  
“Alright so, we’ve got some pretty cool acts coming up for you tonight for our very first show, are you guys excited?” Katya said, feeling so much excitement herself at the cheers from the crowd. She hadn’t felt her heart beat this fast in a long time. She had missed being on stage a lot, it had been months now, and she never felt so comfortable. For their first show they had brought a big enough crowd in, probably due to the insane amount of time over the past few weeks they had spent online sponsoring adverts and putting posters up in any shop that would take them. A lot of Katya’s yoga class was there too, and she felt warmth at their support of her venture.  
“But first, we want to give you guys a chance to see what we can do, because obviously we’re the best ones.” Trixie deadpanned, drawing another laugh. Katya was so glad they were so responsive because it always made it easier.  
“This one here can move her body in a- um- compelling way-“  
“Yeah, it usually compels people to leave the room.” Katya interrupted, putting her microphone back in its stand.  
“She’s being humble folks, she is really something. Please welcome to the stage the incomparable, the beautiful, Miss Katya Zamolodchikova!”  
The crowd erupted into cheers again as Trixie moved off the stage, bringing the microphone stands with her, and Katya began her routine.

.....

“So, Tallulah, where are you from?” Asked Katya, lighting up a cigarette.  
“Um, outside Milwaukee. It’s like, really boring and everyone fucks their cousins.” Trixie said, evoking a laugh from the other woman. Her laugh was stupid, Trixie thought, as she watched her wave her hands around frantically as she wheezed. It was lovely, if a bit dorky.  
“Shit! You don’t say. Did you fuck your cousins?” Katya said through her laughter.  
“I mean yeah, but it doesn’t count if they’re also your dad, right?”  
Katya really laughed then, grabbing Trixie by the arm and shaking her too.  
“Where are you from?” Trixie asked, deciding that hypothetical cousin fucking was probably not the best topic of conversation.  
“Moscow.” Katya answered, wiping under her eyes to dry the laughter tears. “Fucking cousins is fine there too, but y’know, only if they’re not women.”  
“Oh. So you’re like-“  
“Gay? Absolutely. Is that a problem, красивая?” Katya said in a stupid husky voice that gave Trixie the vibe of the name Maureen for some reason.  
“Oh! God, no, I um, I didn’t mean-“  
Katya was laughing again.  
“No, it’s fine, I know you’re not a homophobe. Wouldn’t be looking at me like that if you were, would you Tamara?” The mischief face was back as she took a long draw from her cigarette. Trixie felt a new found wave of confidence, displeased with how this woman was clearly fucking with her.  
“That’s not my name.”  
Katya looked her over for a minute.  
“I know, Tracy.”

.....

“Oh wow! Well that was fantastic, wasn’t it you guys?” Trixie said over the mic as the applause died down. Katya was grinning from ear to ear at the side of the stage where she was gulping water, and walked back over to her own mic.  
“I know, I know, I’m very talented and electric and beautiful, you don’t have to tell me. Do you want to see this other dumb blonde do some guitar shit?”  
More cheering as Trixie cackled and went to get her guitar.  
“Okay you guys so like, I hate music, I’m gonna level with you- I do, I hate music! But I love it when this one strums on the strings and exercises her vocal lymphnodes because it always is making me feel some type of way. Please give it up for the indomitable, the distressing, the Dolly Parton wannabe, Trixie Mattel!”

.....

“Just sit and watch the show tonight dear, we’ll put you on tomorrow, give you some time to get a feel of the place.” Ginger said, rubbing Trixie’s arm reassuringly. Trixie was glad of the comfort, after Katya and Violet told her Ginger normally made the new recruits perform the whole show their first night as a means of baptism of fire. She already knew they were only winding her up, but she wanted to go and check anyway.  
“Are you okay, dollface?” Ginger asked, brow furrowed as she looked at Trixie. She was so maternal already Trixie thought, and she barely knew her. She made her feel really safe. She drew a breath, and took the plunge into what she wanted to say.  
“I don’t think Katya likes me very much.” She stuttered, feeling like she was telling on her or something. She felt like a kid here, amongst all these huge personalities. “She keeps calling me the wrong names, and like, I don’t know, fucking with me. I don’t want to make the wrong impression.”  
Ginger just laughed.  
“Trixie, listen. I left you with Katya because she’s a sweetheart. She’s really fucking weird, but she’s a sweetheart. She’ll just be trying to be funny. She’ll look after you, Trixie. She’s got the biggest heart of anyone here.”

.....

“Holy fuck!” Katya screamed as she burst into the dressing room of the dive bar where they had just held their own very first show. “Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck! Trixie! Fuck! That was the best!”  
Trixie laughed as she got up to hug Katya, overwhelmed herself by how smoothly it had all gone. The crowd was receptive, their performances had gone amazingly, Tatianna and Alyssa were brilliant, and as they had mingled after the show everyone had said how excited they were to come back. It had been a total success.  
“I know! Oh my god, and here I was thinking I had just been let astray into one of your insane plans destined for failure.”  
Katya swatted her arm at that comment, but her smile didn’t waver.  
“Craig from behind the bar was just asking me outside when we were planning to come back! They want us back! We’re going to be famous, Tracy.” Katya said in her Maureen voice through her apparently immovable grin.  
“Oh my god! What did you tell him?”  
“That we’d ring him in the morning but that I’m willing and you’re able.”  
“This is so crazy.” Trixie laughed as they gathered their stuff up, getting ready to haul everything out to Trixie’s car. They were meant to be taking Alyssa back too, but she had disappeared into the night with a mysterious gentleman and Katya hadn’t asked any questions because according to Trixie that happened a lot.  
They were quiet on the drive home. Katya was driving because Trixie was just about over the limit, and Trixie had used that as an excuse to drift off in the passenger seat. Katya couldn’t stop looking over at the wonderful woman beside her, still so proud and amazed at the show they had made together. She had been living with Trixie for two months now, and the question of her moving out or them moving somewhere with two bedrooms hadn’t came up. She had started paying rent and money towards the apartment and besides the occasional argument about one of them taking too long in the shower (always Trixie) or one of them smoking in bed (always Katya) their current arrangement was going smoothly, so neither of them had thought to question it. Normally with this kind of drastic life change Katya would be spiralling, having to come to grips with her sobriety in an anxiety inflicting new setting all over again, but she was actually okay right now. Katya could honestly say she hadn’t been this happy in three long years.


	6. 10AM Gare Du Nord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!!! Wanted to thank you sm for the comments and stuff, your support has been so encouraging!!!! This chapter is emo and it’s title is a song by the king of emo Keaton Henson who I love dearly  
> Hope you like this chapter!!! Xo -yolanndi

The buzzing of Trixie’s alarm was drilling through Katya’s head as she blinked her eyes open. Trixie always had to be up earlier than her, as she normally had to be at the school by nine, and Katya’s first class wasn’t until eleven, but Katya didn’t mind. She liked sharing her mornings with Trixie, being able to take her time to enjoy coffee and a cigarette, laughing as Trixie took all morning at snails pace and then spent the last five minutes running around the flat haphazardly trying to find her shoes or her purse and, nine times out of ten, leaving without her guitar and returning two minutes later to where Katya was standing outside their front door with it in her hand. She didn’t even mind that Trixie had always used all the hot water by the time Katya got into the shower after she left. The routine felt nice and domestic, unlike when they lived with each other before. It felt grown up and not like two kids sharing a shitty apartment and going out every night. Sure, the apartment was still shitty, and even smaller than the last one, but it was homely. They had plants. They had daytime jobs to go to, and their lives no longer felt laced in sin. It all felt right, like a different version of their past life where everything was better. The morning alarm would always wake Katya first, and she would turn it off and roll over to wake Trixie-  
Trixie wasn’t there. Katya’s brow furrowed in confusion. Turning her head back to the alarm clock, she clarified it was definitely only seven a.m. Weird.  
She rolled out of bed and stepped groggily out into the kitchen- No Trixie. She walked through to the living room and knocked gently on the bathroom door before pushing it open- No Trixie. She was actually worried, now. She walked back through to the bedroom and grabbed her phone from underneath her pillow, putting a cigarette between her teeth from the pack on the nightstand and lighting it as she hit call on Trixie’s number. Straight to voicemail. What? She must have blocked her number.  
She shouldn’t have panicked. She knew that. In hindsight, there was a million and one reasons that Trixie was gone and wasn’t answering her phone. But Katya could only focus on one.  
She tore out of the apartment in bare feet, boxers and an old ratty t-shirt that said “My cheese, my rules” (The t-shirt had been her favourite for years until she had to accept its retirement to her pyjama collection) not even bothering to shut the door behind her as she raced up a flight of stairs to the nearest street facing window. Hands shaking, she pushed the blinds to the side and scanned the street in front of the apartment building- Trixie’s car was gone. She raked her fingers through her hair, only noticing then when she burnt a bit of her hair that she was still holding her cigarette. She puffed at it uncaringly as she walked back to the apartment. Let the neighbours complain.  
She swung the door closed behind her, and leant against it, sliding her body down until she was on the ground. She felt a familiar lump in her chest. It had happened again.  
Maybe she shouldn’t have pushed Trixie into UNHhhh? But that was crazy, Trixie was as excited as she was. Over the past few days since their first show the two of them had been discussing their ideas for their upcoming second show non stop. Trixie had said she was excited. Maybe that was lies. Maybe getting back in contact with the others from Club Ginger had brought back too many bad memories? Maybe, yet again, she just had to run, and leave Katya behind too? Maybe just being around Katya brought back too many bad memories. Maybe it was none of that, and it was just Katya. Katya banged the back of her head against the door absentmindedly as a tear ran down her cheek. The dull ache in the back of her skull was of little comfort, surprisingly. She sat there for a while, head spinning and not really able to comprehend this, until she stood back up to throw her cigarette butt out the window and go back to her phone. She tried to call Trixie again, for it to go straight to voicemail. Facebook informed her Trixie had been online half an hour ago, and she sent her a pathetic ‘where r u’ before she threw her phone on their bed and started pacing back and forth across the room. It would be weird to ring Kim, probably. Kim probably didn’t know anything. Kim probably wasn’t even awake yet. Katya was ringing Kim, phone back in her hands before she could help it. Kim answered after three rings.  
“Hello? Katya, is this you?” Her voice sounded raspier than usual, as if she had only just woken up. Right. Because she probably had.  
“Kim! Yeah, hey, this is probably really annoying or whatever, but have you heard from Trixie this morning? She wasn’t here when I woke up and I’m worried.” Katya said all in a rush, toying with her lip between her teeth.   
“Um, no, Katya, I most definitely haven’t heard from Trixie in the five seconds between being woken up by this phone call and answering this phone call.” Kim sighed. Katya could actually imagine her annoyed little face over the phone, and she allowed herself a small smile as she apologised profusely and let Kim get off the phone.  
She looked around the room.  
It hadn’t changed much in the short time she’d been there, but she’d left her stamp on the place. There was a drawing she had done of a ram with human hands for legs that Trixie had pinned to the wall, and her yoga mat lay behind the door. On the nightstand at her side of the bed there was an incense stand, and a weird lamp she had found at a flea market on her way home one day that cast moon shadows on the red walls at night, as well as that fucking alarm clock. Katya’s eyes welled up with tears. She raced over to the alarm clock, picking it up and hurling it at the ground with a guttural cry as it burst into pieces. She kicked the nightstand over, smashing the lamp. She even tore the stupid drawing off the wall. She sank to the floor and cried into her hands until Alyssa found her.  
She hadn’t heard Alyssa knocking, but she heard her come in anyway, calling gently for the girls after realising her noise complaint was probably something quite bad. She felt Alyssa’s arms wrap around her, crouched beside her on the floor, rocking her gently back and forth, and she let herself cry into the older woman’s shoulder.  
“Oh come on now, Miss Katya, calm down mama. It’s okay.” She consoled her gently, rubbing a hand through Katya’s hair. She held her through her sobs, this harsh Texan woman who had met Katya about five times, and was showing her so much kindness. Her voice was calm and soothing, and Katya let her breath slow to match Alyssa’s.   
“Okay girl, you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Alyssa said softly, bringing her hands around to Katya’s shoulders and moving her to look at her.  
“Trixie left.” Katya said bluntly, her voice hoarse from all the crying. “She left again. She left me again.”  
“What do you mean? Left to go where?” Alyssa asked gently, brow furrowed.  
“She-“  
The noise of the front door opening rang through her ears, and she froze. She didn’t even let herself hope, she didn’t let herself believe it was Trixie-  
“Katya? Are you awake?” She heard Trixie shout-whisper from the kitchen, keys clicking on the kitchen counter as she set them down. Alyssa looked at Katya, a small smile on her face.  
“It’s okay, darlin.” She whispered, and Katya was struck again at how different this was from her normal brash self. The maternal side looked good on her. “She’s home.”  
And then Trixie was in the doorway, looking at the carnage of Katya’s rage, at Alyssa, at Katya’s frail frame on the floor, tears still streaming down her face.  
“K-Katya? Are you... what...” She stood blankly, staring at Katya with pain and confusion in her eyes.  
“I didn’t think you were coming back.” Katya whispered, averting her gaze from Trixie.  
Alyssa stood up, pressing a kiss to the top of Katya’s head and rubbing Trixie's arm reassuringly as she walked past her and out of the apartment, leaving the two girls to it.  
Katya curled her knees up underneath her chin, her chest still pounding and shame flooding her cheeks. Trixie had came home. Of course she had.  
Trixie walked slowly over to her, kneeling down beside her and trying to avoid the broken clock pieces. Katya recoiled slightly, afraid of- what was she afraid of? Not Trixie, surely. Her reaction. She hadn’t been that upset by anything in a while. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears, could almost feel the blood pumping round her body. Her breath hitched as tears came again.  
“Can I touch you?”   
Trixie’s question was gentle, and nonjudgemental. She had seen Katya in plenty of bad states, knew that sometimes she couldn’t stand hands on her, but sometimes- Katya fell into Trixie’s arms, sobbing unevenly, falling apart all over again as Trixie held her by the back of the neck and the small of her back, her nose nestled in Katya’s hair as she let her cry.  
“I just woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep.” She said, and Katya felt her heart break as she heard the tears in Trixie’s own voice. “I went to get nice coffee and croissants. Fucksake, I didn’t realise you hated croissants this bad.”  
The joke was awful, but Katya laughed at it anyway, feeling some of the heaviness lift from her heart. She pulled herself out of Trixie’s embrace, reaching up to wipe the tears off Trixie’s cheeks with her thumbs. Trixie did the same to her, and they sat there for a minute, staring at each other, holding each other by the cheeks, before Trixie broke the silence.  
“I should have left a note or something, I didn’t mean to make you panic.”  
“It’s okay.” Katya answered, trying her best to steady her voice. “I just freaked out, I couldn’t get through to your phone, and your car was gone, and I just thought-“  
“I know.” Trixie interrupted sadly, tears gathering in her eyes again. “I know what you thought. And I’m so sorry, Katya. I’m not going to do that to you again. I promise I’m not.”  
She looked so genuine, thumbs stroking Katya’s face gently as she spoke, love and pain and regret in her eyes. Katya hated it when Trixie cried, but by God it made her look so beautiful.  
“I’m not walking out on you. I’m never going to do that again. I’ve spent three years missing you. I’m not spending anymore time doing that. My phone was just dead, and it was too cold to walk, and I should have woke you and told you, or left you a note, and I shouldn’t have ever left you in New York.”  
The last confession was blurted out, and Trixie squeezed her eyes shut. Katya moved her hands to grasp Trixie’s wrists, sniffing down a sob.  
“N-no, Trixie, I told you. I get why you left. You had to get away, and I understand that. I just...” She trailed off, letting her eyes flit to the broken clock pieces, the smashed lamp, the torn up drawing. “I guess it just still hurts, even if I understand it. But it’s okay, that’s my shit, not yours. It’s okay, I get it. You had to leave.”  
“I didn’t have to leave you.” Trixie whispered, opening her eyes, and Katya didn’t think her heart could be more in her throat than it had been already, but she was wrong. “I could have brought you with me. We could have gone together.”  
“I was a drugged up mess.” Katya laughed, unhumorously.  
“But you were my drugged up mess, and I shouldn’t have left you there. I should have helped you. I think it’s... I think it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.”  
The air was so heavy. It was the most they had spoken about Trixie leaving since the first few days Katya had been in LA. The weight of every word they said made Katya want to sink into the floor until Alyssa could complain about the Katya sized hole in her ceiling. She reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Trixie’s ear, wiping away her tears again and holding her face with more urgency this time, shifting her position until she was looking Trixie dead in the eyes. She hadn’t ever wanted to kiss another human being this much in her entire life.  
“для вас было большой честью нарушить мое сердце.” She said solemnly. Trixie looked at her for a minute, scanning her face for the meaning.  
“Look, if you didn’t like my eyebrows like this, you could have just told me.” She finally said with dead seriousness, and they looked at each other for a minute before erupting into laughter, the scary tension broken. Trixie grabbed Katya by the hand, dragging her out to the kitchen to the promise of croissants and coffee. They went about their morning routine as usual, but before Trixie left (after losing her phone twice and her keys once) she walked over to Katya and wrapped her in the tightest hug she could manage.  
“I’ll be back later, okay?” She said it casually, but the urgency in her eyes when she pulled away let Katya know it was a promise. Her heart was swelling so much she was sure Trixie was able to see it, bulging out of her chest as she looked at the woman she knew was the love of her life. She knew Trixie was telling the truth. She knew Trixie was going to come back, and would continue coming back. Because things were different now. Things made sense for once, with their good domestic jobs, their cute little flat, their brash, kind neighbour. Katya hadn’t even thought about drugs, her sobriety more second nature to her now than it had ever been. They worked together on UNHhhh as brilliantly as they knew they would, as brilliantly as they worked together in conversation, as they worked together in the mornings. Like a two piece jigsaw, in all aspects. It all felt right, like a different version of their past life where everything was better. Like what they could have always had. Everything was different now. This was a world where Katya didn’t need to break clocks, where she didn’t need to be in pain. She didn’t need to be scared anymore.

Oh.

She didn’t need to be scared anymore.  
The realisation nearly knocked her off her feet, as Trixie smiled warmly at her and sped out the door, shouting goodbyes and that she’s going to be late and cursing as she barely managed to make it out the door, slamming it behind her and leaving Katya still standing there, gobsmacked.  
She didn’t need to be scared anymore. They didn’t need to be in pain anymore. The barriers were down. It was like they had been constantly facing the most complicated obstacle course in the whole world, and now they were facing an empty field. She felt a smile dance across her lips, and it was all she could do to not walk over and pin Trixie against the wall and kiss her until she passed out from lack of oxygen when she came back for her always forgotten guitar, but Trixie was late for work. They had waited this long. They could wait till evening.


	7. Beautiful Freak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! The song in this chapter is Beautiful Freak by Eels, and it’s beautiful, so give it a listen.  
> Also, this sounds ridiculous but I can’t work out how to get stuff bold/italic on this. I write all of it out in the notes on my phone (technology legend) and I can put things in bold/italic there, but when I copy and paste it into this it goes normal? I’m probably being really stupid but I’m a massive technophobe, if anyone could help me that’d be nice lol xo

Trixie couldn’t concentrate all day at work. She messed up chords, could barely listen to her students, and even nearly fell down the stairs when she was trying to leave for lunch.  
She couldn’t get Katya out of her head. The way she looked so broken, sitting on the floor surrounded by her own wreckage, like a hurricane that just realised what it had done. She had been gone for half an hour, tops. She couldn’t get the thought out of her mind of how bad it must have been when she left before, and didn’t come back at all. How many things did Katya smash? How long did she sit there crying, if there was no Alyssa back then to console her? She was glad of Alyssa, even though she was nosy and a bit of a pain. God knows the Jeffersons from downstairs wouldn’t have done that. So how long did it last then? She had said Violet had to come and get her to leave the apartment because she wouldn’t. How long before she made it out the front door? Did she run out of food? Did she run out of cigarettes, did she run out of the drugs that caused the issue? Did she go through withdrawals? Was her pain so bad she didn’t care?  
She had an hour free before her afternoon classes on a Wednesday, an hour she would normally spend off campus, going for coffee with someone or finding something to do. Today she just stared at the wall in her classroom.  
Trixie had never felt guilt like this. The idea that the most important person in her entire life, the woman who made her feel like she belonged in that big city so many years ago, the woman who she clicked with like nothing else, who she could never forget- she had broken her. She had left her when she was at her most vulnerable, after a recent relapse into substance abuse, when she needed Trixie the most- and Trixie had got scared and ran. Even now, Trixie had just gone that morning for half an hour thinking nothing of it, and Katya spiralled, thinking she had left her again. How could she do that? How could she have caused this woman so much pain? How was she meant to make that right?  
She walked over to the piano at the other side of the room. She hadn’t played piano in a long time, none of the students were interested in learning it. She was pleased to find her fingers were still able to dance lightly over the keys and fill the room with music easily. She played around for a minute, playing different tunes, before finding herself playing the intro to a song she wrote about Katya a few years ago. She squeezed her eyes shut, and let herself breathe into it and embrace the song.

“You're such a beautiful freak,  
I wish there were more just like you.  
You're not like all of the others,

And that is why I love you,  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak,  
That is why I love you,  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak. 

Some people think you have a problem,  
But that problem lies only with them.  
Just 'cause you are not like the others, 

But that is why I love you,  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak,  
Yeah that is why I love you,  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak, 

Too good for this world,  
But I hope you will stay.  
And I'll be here to see  
That you don't fade away,

You're such a beautiful freak,  
I bet you are flying inside.  
Dart down and then go for cover, 

And know that I,  
I love you.  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak,  
You know that I,  
I love you.  
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak.”

She was almost surprised that she remembered all the words. It had been years since she’d even thought about the song. She had written it for Katya’s birthday and then decided it could be taken wrong. She hadn’t wanted to make anything worse, increase the tension between them, but it felt more apt now. The joy that she felt being around Katya had been heightened so much by their time apart. She appreciated everything about her so much more after having to live without it. Her stupid laugh, her insane hairstyles, her kind eyes. If she played Katya this song, would she understand? Would she get that Trixie wasn’t going anywhere? Maybe. She didn’t have a piano in the apartment though. Biting her lip, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and set it up on top of the piano, and hit record as she began to play the song again. She tried not to look at her phone camera as she played, tried not to cry as she thought about Katya watching it, and quickly posted it on Instagram before she could chicken out. She captioned it with a singular “K”, hoping it was enough to give away to Katya it was about her without having to outright say it.  
It still could make Katya uncomfortable, Trixie thought, biting at her nails as she stared at the post. It could be too much? It wasn’t like she hadn’t call her beautiful before, or that she didn’t tell her she loved her. But this was different. Was it obvious it was a love song? A few minutes passed of Trixie quietly freaking out, and then:

katya_zamo liked your post

....

Katya couldn’t concentrate all day at work. She normally found nothing calmer than her yoga classes, the meditative energy in the room full of women filling her with peace. Today though, sitting still for so long was driving her crazy. She had to keep changing the positions before she could get comfortable, and she noticed the women beginning to get agitated as she refused to let them relax. She couldn’t help it. She was filled with so much restless energy. All she wanted to do was go home to Trixie.  
Outside for a cigarette between classes, she scrolled through her Instagram absentmindedly. A picture of Adore on stage, covered in sweat and grinning wildly. A gorgeous picture of Pearl taken by some photographer, looking sleepy and beautiful. A video of Trixie-  
She felt her heart jump into her throat, watching Trixie press the keys of a piano without sound. She took a long drag of her cigarette as she got the courage to click the sound on, and her heart contracted as she knew it would at the sound of Trixie’s voice. Katya was so enraptured that she was barely paying attention to the words, but when she did, holy fuck. The song was beautiful. She shakily blinked tears out of her eyes as it ended. She took in the singular “K” of the caption, brows furrowed as she opened her browser and googled a lyric, not sure if she even wanted to know if it was a cover. Nope. It wasn’t.  
She felt so filled with emotion she literally had to sit down at the side of the road. The way Trixie’s voice shook gently with nerves as she sang, her flushed face. Fuck. She opened Instagram again, and clicked the heart to like it. She was fighting back tears at this show of affection, but underneath that- she felt fourteen. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this giddy, her heart racing like she’d just ran a race, or been elected president or something else huge and unfathomable. She put the video back on, and allowed herself to giggle like a schoolgirl as she listened to it, despite the tears on her face. It was the sign Katya needed to know it was time. Smiling around her cigarette, she opened her DM’s, clicking on Trixie’s picture and allowing herself to think for a minute before she started typing.

katya_zamo: weird question. Do you believe in signs?

Trixie’s reply was almost immediate, making Katya smile harder at the thought of her awaiting Katya’s response to her video.

trixiemattel: like, road signs? Yeah dummy, they definitely exist

katya_zamo: no, bitch. Like, signs from the universe  
katya_zamo: signs you’re gonna make a right decision

Trixie read the message immediately, but her little typing bubble kept stopping, to pop back up again, to stop again, and Katya was going to go mad watching it. She locked her phone and stubbed her cigarette out, walking back inside to her next yoga class. Just before she pushed open the doors it buzzed in her pocket.

trixiemattel: I think you should trust your gut

Katya smiled wide, taking a second to type out her next message before she entered her class and had to ignore her phone.

katya_zamo: what time will you be home? lemme order dinner as apology for lampgate

When she got out of class, she felt at peace. She had been able to focus a lot more in this class, no longer full of such restless energy. She was already certain on what she was going to do, and she felt no anxiety towards it. She finished fairly early on Wednesdays, this was her last class, and she practically skipped her way home, having received a message from Trixie saying she’d be back at five and that she’d be so happy if Katya got her Thai food she might even watch Contact with her. She stopped off at Walmart to grab some supplies, and continued her trek home, a bounce in her step and a smile plastered onto her face. The conversation had been casual, probably weirdly casual given the video, but Katya didn’t want to give too much away. She wanted this to be special.  
She entered their apartment, looking at her watch and nibbling on the inside of her cheek. She had an hour and a half. Time enough.  
She put on Hole’s Pretty On The Inside album and blasted it loud, knowing Alyssa would be at the dance studio and not there to yell at her. She should get her flowers or something, Katya mused, after how sweet she was this morning.  
She had already cleaned up most of the mess after Trixie had left earlier, but she wanted the apartment to be flawless. She made their bed and vacuumed every inch of the bedroom floor in fear of leaving any shattered lamp shards to spike Trixie’s feet. She sped cleaned the entire apartment, making sure it was beautiful, and even made the effort to stand out on the fire escape to have a cigarette when she was done, so it wouldn’t smell like stale smoke. After that, she dragged the Walmart bag into the living room, setting out a large blanket over the floor and placing tea lights over it. She had bought a bundle of roses, and broke one apart to scatter the petals over the blanket, placing the others in a pretty vase that never had anything in it on the mantel piece above the long ago plastered over fire place. She had bought so many candles she didn’t even have enough room around the living room to place them. Ideally, she would have set this up like their own little restaurant, but they didn’t have a table, so a cute inside picnic setting would have to do. She pulled the fairylights out of the bag, frowning as she realised it was going to be far too light at five for this to look any kind of nice, and pulled the blind and curtains shut as tightly as she could. Satisfied with the darkness, she strung the fairy lights over the mantel piece and the shelves in the corner, and checked her watch. Half an hour. She lifted her phone to call the Thai place, who now knew her number and told her the order would be there in twenty minutes without her even having to say what she wanted. She smiled blissfully at the domesticity of that, even. They might not be able to cook, but they have a regular Thai place who know their order off by heart. Realising she had nothing more to do to set up the flat, she finally remembered she was still in her gross yoga clothes. Fuck, she thought, practically racing into the bathroom. She couldn’t pour her heart out smelling like this. She cursed her tendency to sweat buckets. She had the quickest shower of her entire life, but still managed to smother herself in her Moringa scented body butter so she smelt good. She blowdried her hair with one hand as she attempted to redo her makeup with the other, smudging the black around her eyes and painting on the bold red lip she knew Trixie loved.  
“Makes you look like a whore.” She had told her once. “But like. One worth buying.”  
Trixie wasn’t always super good at compliments.  
Katya agonised for a minute over what to wear, before realising she didn’t have time to agonise, grabbing her blue Laura Palmer dress with the silver sleeves. She was just pulling it over her head when she heard the buzzing of her doorbell signifying the food was here, and kept hiking it down as she left the apartment and ran down the stairs, nearly getting caught with her ass still out by some creep from down the hall, but saving it just in time. She paid the guy and ran back up the stairs with the food, filled with nervous energy again at what she was doing. What if Trixie was really freaked out? What if it was just a nice friendship song? What if the K hadn’t meant Katya? What if the song was for Karen? Fucking Karen, Katya thought as she plated their food as delicately as she could, trying to make it look nice and restaurant-ey. She doesn’t even know a Karen, but if the song was for this imaginary woman she was going to be so mad.  
The message from Trixie earlier came back into her mind and made her stomach fizz.

trixiemattel: I think you should trust your gut

She breathed out heavily through her nose, setting the plates down on the blanket and hopping around the room to light all the candles. She flicked through her phone for a slightly calmer soundtrack to play over the aux, settling on a Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly album and turning it down till it was a nice soft hum. She brought the bottle of wine she’d bought Trixie and a glass over to the picnic blanket in the living room, which looked very romantic actually, thank you very much. All that was left was to wait for Trixie to get home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was soooo cheesy, c’mon romcom realness ♥️ Let me know what you think!


	8. First Day Of My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYO SIS  
> Can’t decide if I hate or love this chapter, and I’m sorry it’s so short but I wanted to end it at its natural ending point lol. I hope you guys like!!!! ♥️ Title is from the song by Bright Eyes xo

Trixie’s gut had been twisted all day. Her conversation with Katya had been at once cryptic and too casual, and it filled her with fear. Other than liking the post, Katya hadn’t acknowledged the video, and that concerned Trixie. Maybe she hadn’t even listened to it, Trixie reasoned with herself. Maybe she’d just been scrolling through and liked it to be a good Judy. Maybe she had listened to it, but it’s meaning had gone over her head. Maybe she hadn’t even realised it was about her. Trixie wasn’t sure which outcome she’d prefer at this point. She had posted many original songs on her Instagram, but never one as personal as that one. She felt sure it was a breach in their unspoken code to keep all feelings for each other locked in a vault, not to be opened, but she just wanted Katya to know how much she meant to her. She wanted her to know she wasn’t going to run anywhere. She didn’t want her to be scared.

katya_zamo: weird question. Do you believe in signs?

Trixie breathed out deeply as she remembered Katya’s message. She had sent it mere minutes after the video was uploaded. It wasn’t a coincidence.  
And now, she had to go home to where Katya had bought her dinner to apologise for this mornings mess (even though Trixie felt it should definitely be the other way round) and it all felt scary. Like they were tiptoeing around some big secret, although, Trixie supposed, they were. There could be anything waiting for her at home. She could go home to Katya’s stuff packed up, ready to go, Trixie’s sneaky declaration of love the final nail in the coffin. She could go home to a perfectly normal evening, as if nothing had happened. She could walk into any situation at this point. She couldn’t remember ever feeling nervous like this around Katya. It was always comfortable. This felt like definite uncharted territory, and she cursed herself for uploading the stupid video.  
She sat in the car for nearly a full ten minutes before she was able to put the key in the ignition and drive home. Her heart thundered in her chest. The not-knowing was driving her insane. When she pulled up on their street and parked her car, she sat and stared up at her building for a minute. She had moved into it with a broken heart, missing the other girl terribly, about a month after she had arrived in LA. She had moved into it with every intention to leave Katya behind her. She had been so in pain, and she couldn’t help but wonder why she put herself through that. Why she’d ever thought she could escape that woman. They were too connected for her to ever get away with not having her by her side. Now, Katya was in that very flat, and Trixie couldn’t believe how glad she was of that. She sighed as she got out of the car.  
The walk up the stairs to their front door seemed to take a thousand years.  
And then she opened the front door, and she was met with the sweet smell of lavender incense, and the crooning voice of Sam Duckworth as Get Cape played somewhere within the flat. She smiled. She knew immediately she had no reason to be scared. It was going to be fine. She felt it in her bones.   
“Katya, I’m home!” She shouted, as she put her keys in the bowl that Katya always ignored (her keys were right beside it) and leant down to unlace her shoes. She heard scrambling from the living room, and suddenly Katya was there in front of her, with the biggest beaming smile Trixie had ever seen.  
“Hey!” She said, kind of manically, and Trixie was lowkey alarmed. “Come into the living room? I have something to show you.”  
Trixie raised an eyebrow at her as she finally kicked her shoes off.  
“I’ve already told you, we’re not getting a dog. If this is a dog I’m going to be so mad.”  
Katya laughed too hard at the joke, and Trixie couldn’t help but notice the flush of her cheeks and down her neck that had been present since Trixie arrived. She followed Katya into the living room, and suddenly, she thought her heart literally stopped.  
It was beautiful. There were roses and candles and fairy lights, and their food and a bottle of wine was set up like a picnic on a blanket on the floor. She looked at Katya, dumbfounded, and the other blonde just smiled bashfully.  
“Katya... what is this? What-“  
“Shhh,” Katya interrupted. “Just sit down. Our food’ll go cold.” She gestured at the blanket. They sat down opposite each other, and Trixie couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation as they started eating. The air was tense, and Trixie had no idea what was even going on, and she felt like a teenager. Katya caught her eye and started giggling too.  
“Okay so like, I know! I know! But just shut up for a minute while we eat, because I spent so long setting this up I forgot to prepare what I was going to say.” Katya said, and Trixie swore she’d never felt butterflies like this. The anxiety was gone, all that was left was excitement. “Do you want some wine?”  
Trixie nodded and Katya poured it for her, and Trixie smiled so wide when she handed her it she was sure her face would be aching. They ate their food mostly in silence, making awkward eye contact and laughing. Trixie’s heart didn’t slow down the whole time, the wait killing her. When they were finished, Katya set their plates to the side and looked at Trixie so intensely she nearly thought she’d have big burning eye holes in her face.  
“Okay. So um, I’ve been thinking-“  
“Are you proposing to me?” Trixie deadpanned through a smile, causing Katya to bust out laughing.  
“No, bitch! Okay so like, well maybe a little bit actually.” She giggled. “I just was thinking. And I know me and you have had a weird past.”  
Trixie rolled her eyes. Understatement of the century, that.  
“And well, I guess I’ve just always wondered what could have been. Y'know? If things had have been different. I know you have too. But they’re different now. Our lives are really good, and we’re in a great place. So basically, I was wondering, Trixie Mattel, if you would go on a date with me?”  
She was looking at Trixie with the biggest, stupid smile. Her hair was messy, and she had lipstick on her teeth. The candlelight was flickering, dancing shadows across her face, and she looked like the most beautiful woman in the world, and the most beautiful woman in the world was asking Trixie to go on a date with her. Even still, Trixie couldn’t help shrieking with laughter, filled with affection. The situation had hit all new ridiculous levels. The simplicity of Katya just asking her on a date after their five years of messy history was at once adorable and dumb as fuck.  
“What? You’re asking me to go on a date with you? Katya, we live together!” Trixie squealed.  
“I know!” Katya laughed too, nodding her head at her own buffoonery. “I know, but I want to start again, Trixie. I want a fresh start with you, where we can be everything we wanted to be. I fucking love you, Trixie.” Her face had gone serious. All Trixie wanted to do was kiss her, already sold on the idea from the second Katya had said it. “But I don’t want to say that to you. I don’t want to tell you I’m in love with you. I want to start again. I want to woo you, I want to flirt with you, I want to take you on dates. I want to tell you ages from now, all nervous, that I love you like it’s the very first time I’ve ever said it. I want to give you everything I wanted to give you when I met you for the first time. Start all over, clean slate. And maybe thats not even what you want anymore, and if it’s not and I’ve misread everything, that’s okay and I’m sorry. But I think we owe it to those two stupid hookers in New York falling for each other to try.”  
Trixie was so overcome with emotion at this point. In all her million and one possibilities of what she was coming home to, she had never let herself consider this one. Her heart was going to beat out of her chest. Katya reached across and took her hands, and Trixie could feel how sweaty they were. She didn’t mind.  
“Do you remember what I said to you that night you told me you were falling for me? All the reasons we couldn’t be together? I realised this morning, none of them apply anymore. We don’t have that darkness in our life anymore. We have no reason to be scared of each other, Trixie, we can forget all that. I realised I didn’t need to be scared of you running away, because there’s nothing bad here for you to run from. Things are so different now.”  
Tears were falling from Katya’s beautiful blue eyes, and Trixie let go of one of her hands to wipe them away. The feeling of her soft skin beneath Trixie’s hands made Trixie’s already overworked heart skip a beat.  
“And I was thinking about that all day, and then you put that fucking video up and I realised I can’t ignore how I feel about you anymore even if I wanted to, and without sounding cocky, I don’t think you can either. So um, yes. I was wondering if you would go on a date with me.”  
Trixie opened her mouth to speak, but Katya started babbling again, her cheeks bright red and nerves evident all over her face.  
“And I mean, I know it’s weird because we live together, and honestly I’ll move out if you want, because I want this to go well and if that’ll help then I’ll do it,”  
“I-“  
“And UNHhhhh makes things tricky too and I know, I know, don’t shit where you eat, it’s maybe a bad idea to date someone you work with, but I think we’ll be okay,”  
“Katya-“  
“And if it’s not, then, I don’t know, I guess it can be my turn to leave the state and we’ll try again in another three years? No I’m joking, but-“  
Trixie cut her off the only way she was sure would work. She closed the space between them, hand still resting on Katya’s cheek, and kissed her. This one was different again from all the kisses they’d shared before, soft and innocent, lips barely parted, and when Trixie pulled away, she could see a twinkle in Katya’s eyes she’d never seen before.  
“I would love to go on a date with you.” Trixie said softly, and Katya smiled at her, so pure and sweet. “And I don’t want you to move out. I’d miss you too much.” They leant their foreheads together, eyes closed, hands still linked in Katya’s lap.  
“I’m in love with you.” Trixie whispered, goosebumps crowding every inch of her skin at her new freedom to say those words. She had never actually said them before. “And I know you don’t want us to say that, so I’ll leave it be, but I want you to know it right now. Or, well, I guess you probably already know it, but I want to say it. I’ve always loved you.”  
Katya leant up and kissed her again, and they didn’t pull away this time. They let their feelings pour out through their mouths, deep and slow and intense, tongues twisting together gently. Trixie felt at home for the very first time, content like she had always had this massive hole in her heart and only now was it gone. She felt Katya shift beside her, and she brought her hands up to cup her face, rubbing a thumb along her pretty cheekbone. Katya reached up and tangled a hand through Trixie’s curls, coming to rest at the back of her head. Sitting here, kissing Katya, felt so right that Trixie felt woozy. When they finally pulled away, neither of them could stop smiling.  
“Hey.” Katya whispered, pushing a bit of hair away from Trixie’s face.  
“Hey.” Trixie giggled. “So, is this a date?” She gestured around the room at all of Katya’s beautiful decorations.  
“I guess so, yeah. Our first date.” Katya grinned widely.  
“Well, I think it’s very romantic. Are we getting a second one?”  
“Depends. Do you want to go for coffee with me tomorrow?” Katya asked, and Trixie’s heart fluttered at the thought of actually going on a date with Katya, holding her hand over a table, giggling and flirting and being all cute like that. Going back to work with a bright red lipstick mark on her cheek. “I know this really cute cafe down the street that my roommate showed me.” Katya offered, raising an eyebrow with a cheeky smile.  
Trixie burst into laughter. “Oh yeah? I think I know that one, I brought my roommate there once.”  
“Oh good, so you know where it is then.” Katya giggled. “Fucksake. Can’t believe I kissed you on the first date. I’m meant to be a gentleman.”  
“Katya, I lived with you in New York, I know you’ve done worse on the first date.”  
“Mmmm, that was usually because it was the only date. I’ll have to avoid the temptation to slip into old habits in bed tonight.” Katya smirked, kissing Trixie again, soft and sweet.  
“You look so beautiful in the candlelight.” Trixie breathed.  
“You look beautiful in any light.”

They found it pretty easy to avoid the temptation that night after all, even if Trixie was a little buzzed from the wine. After waiting so long the novelty of being able to kiss each other freely proved not to wear off, and they laid in bed kissing innocently and giggling, holding each other. They had cuddled in bed like this together many times, last night even, but it still felt brand new. Katya’s arms were wrapped around Trixie with a brand new purpose, holding her to her chest. Trixie relished in being able to press her lips onto any piece of skin in her reach. As Trixie drifted off to sleep, she felt Katya kiss her forehead softly.  
“Goodnight, моя любовь.”  
Trixie knew this was going to be the best nights sleep she’d had in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,, well what do u think  
> We love the gays so we do


	9. Banana Pancakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey gyals! This chapter hasn’t got much plot it’s just cute, I hope you like it! ♥️

Katya couldn’t think of a purer joy than waking up beside Trixie that morning. The alarm on Trixies phone woke her a lot less easily than the deceased alarm clock, but she thought that probably had more to do with her unwillingness to leave this moment. Rain poured heavy against the windows, a strange occurrence in LA, but Katya loved the sound of it. She smiled to herself as she remembered the night before, lightly squeezing the thin fingers still entwined in her own from when they went to sleep. She let herself stare at Trixie’s sleeping face, so peaceful and beautiful with no makeup on, for a few more minutes than was probably acceptable before she woke her with sweet whispers and affections. Trixie started giggling before she even opened her eyes, blushing lightly as Katya peppered her cheeks and forehead and across her nose with gentle kisses.  
“This makes a nice change from how you normally wake me.” She chuckled, voice croaky from sleep.  
“Oh don’t worry mama, I’ll start kicking you awake again when the novelty wears off.” Katya retorted, kicking her leg gently under the sheets, eliciting another laugh from Trixie.  
“Ugh. I want to lay here forever, I don’t want to go to work.” Trixie whined, snaking her arms around Katya’s waist and burying her face into her neck. Katya felt a heat in her belly at Trixie’s breasts pressed up against her, and she wondered how long she should really wait before crossing that line. She was never one to wait at all, bedding women as soon as she got the chance to. She had so much disgustingly unsatisfying sex with men that the opportunity for real pleasure was something she chased desperately. Trixie had been right in what she said last night, that Katya had done a lot worse on a first date, and she was ashamed of the amount of times Trixie had to watch women leave her bedroom in New York in the morning, never to be seen again. Trixie was different, though. She didn’t want her to just be some cheap fuck. She let herself dream of beautiful hotel rooms with wide open windows and Trixie’s form splayed out across expensive beds as she hummed contentedly into Trixie’s hair, stroking her back lightly.  
“Don’t go, then. Let’s call in sick.”  
“Katya, we can’t do that.”  
“We sure can. I only have like one class today anyway.”  
Trixie shifted her head slightly so she could look up at her, eyes still hazy with sleep and a lazy smile across her lips.  
“I don’t. I’m in classes all day.”  
“All the more reason to not go! C’mon, I’ll even call the school for you, say you can’t call them yourself cos you’re vomiting like a fire hydrant.”  
Trixie screeched with laughter, squeezing her fingers into Katya’s slim form.   
“Katya! No. I can’t do that.”  
“But it’s raining.”  
“So?”  
“How many days off have you took since you started that job?”  
Trixie bit her lip bashfully, and held up a singular finger. Katya pressed a kiss against the tip.  
“I thought so. C’mon workaholic, live a little.”  
She scooted down the bed a little to be level with Trixie so she could kiss her lazily, open mouthed and slow, and felt her smile against her lips. She pulled away, watching as Trixie didn’t open her eyes for a minute, mouth still open, a light flush across her cheeks and down her neck. Fuck. She was gorgeous.  
Trixie looked at her for a minute when she opened her eyes, smile still dancing across her face as she nodded in acceptance of the plan, convinced. Katya let out a cry of victory, grabbing Trixie’s sides to tickle her and kiss her messily. Trixie laughed into her mouth as Katya ran her fingers over her rib cage, swatting her hands away and beaming.  
“Gimme your phone.” Katya giggled.  
“School isn’t open yet, you can do it at eight.” Trixie reasoned, continuing to kiss Katya throughout her words. Katya’s hands had settled on the indent of Trixie’s tiny waist, and as they kissed they had somehow moved so that Trixie was hovering over her, Katya’s back flat against the mattress, Trixie’s lower arms framing her face. Her hair tickled Katya’s face as they kissed some more, and when Trixie sighed gently into her mouth, Katya couldn’t help but squirm. ‘Be a gentleman’, she repeated in her head like a mantra as she squeezed her thighs together.  
“I need a cigarette.” She said out loud, a little more out of breath than she really should be. Trixie rolled her eyes and rolled off her, thumping down beside her with a whine.  
“Your fucking smoking habit.” She bitched, and Katya sniggered.  
“Well, if you let me smoke in here I wouldn’t have to leave you.”  
“Yeah, but I want you to make me a coffee.” Trixie giggled, flashing Katya her pretty, imperfect teeth. Katya grinned, heart successfully liquified, and leant over to kiss Trixie again before climbing out of the bed and padding out to the kitchen.  
“Hey, Trixie?” She called back into the bedroom as she flicked on the pink kettle and lit a cigarette, opening the window as an afterthought.  
“What?”  
“Are you from Tennessee?”  
Trixie was quiet for a minute, before calling back:  
“I’m from Wisconsin you bitch, you know that.”  
“Because you’re the only ten I see? Fucksake Trix, take the set up.” Loud cackling laughter from the bedroom filled her ears and made her smile as she spooned coffee into two mugs, and puffed on her cigarette. “I told you I was going to flirt with you.”  
“And that’s how you do it?” Trixie’s voice was louder suddenly, and Katya looked up to see her standing beside her.  
“Well, yeah. I really only have two strategies with flirting. Cheesy dad or romance novel.”  
Trixie giggled and twirled a piece of hair around her finger, leant up against the counter in her nightie as Katya made coffee. The counter was making the back of the nightie ride up slightly, revealing a bit more of the back of her thick thighs than would be considered decent by anyone sane. Katya’s fingers trembled as she poured the kettle, and she puffed at the cigarette, willing it to help her compose herself.  
“What’s the romance novel strategy?”  
“You’re not ready for that.”  
“No, go on, you’ve said it now.”  
Katya looked up at her from the mugs, raking her eyes down Trixie’s body and smirking. She willed her face to avoid turning red as she leant her hip against the counter, facing Trixie, and blew smoke directly into her face, daring her to challenge it. Trixie flinched, but didn’t say anything.  
“Hey darling.” She purred in an exaggerated Russian accent, pushing her chest out subtly, noting Trixie’s eyes darting down to it and back up again. She stepped closer, staring intently into Trixie’s eyes, and then purposefully at her full, pink lips, darting a tongue across her own and pulling her bottom one between her teeth. “I must say, you’re the most beautiful woman in this whole damn bar.” Trixie chuckled at that, looking around at the kitchen that was decidedly not a bar, but still didn’t say anything. “But then, I’d be willing to bet you’re the most beautiful woman in every bar.” Trixie’s face flushed, and Katya couldn’t help but notice her tense shoulders, how hard she was gripping the counter. This was actually working. Who’d have thought.  
“Oh yeah?” Trixie breathed, and Katya nodded casually, taking another drag of her cigarette. Trixie watched her lips purse around it and form a perfect O as she blew the smoke just past her. She reached a hand out to stroke down Trixie’s arm leisurely, closing in at her wrist and squeezing gently. She stepped in closer again, inches away from Trixie’s face now. The other girl didn’t flinch, but Katya could hear her breath quicken.  
“What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a big city like this, прекрасный? You’re gonna get yourself hurt.” She cooed. Trixie laughed breathily, lashes fluttering under Katya’s gaze.  
“I don’t know.” Her voice was no more than a whisper, and Katya made a noise of satisfaction as she leant in to whisper in her ear.  
“It’s okay, кукла. I’ll look after you, да?”  
“Holy fuck. Take me back to your place.” Trixie said dramatically, and Katya held in her giggles as she came back from her ear to look her in the eyes again, noses practically touching.  
“I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells like rich mahogany.” She whispered sensually. They stared at eachother for a minute before they both fell into laughter, Trixie shrieking like she’d seen a ghost and Katya slapping at her arms through wheezy noises.  
“You got me gal!” Trixie laughed in a dodgy approximation of Ginger’s accent, and it only sent Katya into further hysterical laughter.  
“No seriously though. If you had done that to me at a bar I would definitely have gone home with you. Anchorman jokes and all.” Trixie said, wiping under her eyes. Katya smirked around her cigarette as she pulled herself together to pour milk into Trixie’s coffee.  
“I would definitely have done that to you in a bar.”   
They chatted for a while more in the kitchen, Trixie sitting up on the counter as Katya smoked two more cigarettes. They finished their coffees before gliding giddily back to bed, falling into place beside each other easily. Trixie flipped through her phone as Katya closed her eyes, revelling in the feeling of Trixie’s head resting on her chest and her legs draped over Katyas. She was nearly asleep when she heard Trixie let out a small gasp. She snapped her eyes open.  
“What is it?”  
Trixie bit her lip, brow furrowed before passing the phone to Katya. It was a Facebook post from Ginger, two pictures. The first was a picture of the outside of the club. Katya couldn’t help but feel tears sting her eyes as she took in the changes. The big wooden doors, that used to be painted a lime green, were now a beautiful soft purple colour. The sign, that used to flicker “Club Ginger” in cheesy neon lighting that never seemed to work, was replaced by a shiny, elegant one, the writing in loopy cursive, lit up by lights that hung above it. It said “Violet’s Cabaret”, clear as day, but Katya had to blink a few times before she really realised it. The next was a picture of a wall on the inside, right opposite the bar at the side of the stage. It had a large, golden photo frame hanging on it, baring an image that Katya recognised as a photo Adore had taken a few years back. It was the dressing room, vibrant and colourful, the camera aimed at a mirror. Adore was standing too far to the side to be visible in the reflection, but Violet was there looking at herself, her reflection gorgeous in a postbox red flapper dress, matching feather headdress over her sleek black hair. She wasn’t posing, she was laughing at something, fixing her hair with one hand and leaning on the counter with the other. She looked really happy, different from all other photos of her being moody and poised, and it was almost more beautiful because of that. Violet had claimed to hate the photo, Katya remembered. She had yelled at Adore to not take photos of her when she wasn’t posed for them, but hadn’t made her delete it. And now there it was, hanging on the wall, blown out large to fit the massive frame, but still in gorgeous detail. Katya drank it all in, taking in every little inch of the photo, before flicking her eyes down to the caption.  
‘This place is not the same without you, so it may as well change on the outside too. Violet’s Cabaret will be open 7 days a week, 7pm-2am, with performances every Friday, Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. Thank you all for your kind words and support of our community following this loss. I nearly closed for good, but I know Violet wouldn’t have wanted that. I aim to make this bar what Violet would have wanted it to be, and hope its name ensures her long established legacy here withstands. At the moment I am not taking on new girls, and have cut down on performance nights so that I do not have to do so. I want to focus my time on our current staff. From now on I will take nothing more seriously than the safety of my performers. Thank you.  
-Ginger’  
Katya felt the tears fall down her face before she had time to try to stop them, and Trixie tutted and scooted up the bed to pull her into her arms. She nestled against Trixie, crying quietly. She still thought of Violet everyday, but she didn’t cry about her anymore. There was a strange feeling in crying for Violet, because the girl was always so stern and harsh and seemingly emotionless that it seemed like a violation, like if she was there she would scoff and roll her eyes and tell Katya to shut the fuck up. She laughed gently at that thought, bringing a hand up to dry her eyes. The club looked really good, it looked classy for the first time, and she knew Violet would have approved. She had always been bitching at Ginger to do something nice with the place. She wondered what Violet would have thought about her and Trixie’s current situation, could imagine telling her, practically picture her calling her a filthy dyke with a laugh, punching her shoulder. Moments of sincerity from Violet were few and far between, but Katya knew her well enough to read when her laughs were affectionate, to see the warmth of friendship in her eyes even when she was being a bitch. She had been the closest person to Katya, excluding Trixie, since they had met at Club Ginger. They respected each other as performers, trusted each other as friends, and always came through for each other when they needed it. The unfairness of her death had been tricky for Katya to wrap her head around, staring for what felt like hours at her cold, lifeless body in the morgue, shakily informing the policeman at her side that yes, that was indeed Violet Chachki, 26 years old, bright future ahead of her, lying dead from a head wound. It was that image she normally couldn’t get out of her head when she thought of her, how it was the only time Katya had ever seen her not look beautiful. She hated herself for thinking that, knew Violet would hate it. She would much rather keep the image from the dressing room in her head instead, even though Violet would hate that too.  
Neither her or Trixie spoke for a while, Katya’s crying quieting into small sniffles before she kissed Trixie’s arm where she was nestled against it.  
“Do you wanna talk?” Trixie asked gently, and Katya shook her head.  
“No, I’m okay. I think I’ve said it all before. That just overwhelmed me a bit is all.” She sniffed with a shrug. “Gimme your phone back.” She said, deciding vehemently to not allow this burst of emotion to ruin their fun morning. Ginger was right. Violet wouldn’t have wanted anyone to mope around for her, for bars to close, for her dumb gay best friend to not have nice days with the girl she’d been in love with since they met. Trixie looked at her questioningly. “To cheer me up!” Katya pouted. Trixie still looked doubtful, but handed her phone over. Katya flicked through her contacts before finding what she wanted and clicking call, putting the phone to her ear and pressing more kisses into Trixie’s arm as they answered.  
“Hello, is this reception? Yeah, I’m calling on behalf of Miss Mattel, it’s her roommate. She can’t make it in today, she’s been up all night vomiting.”   
Trixie slapped a hand over her own mouth to contain her laughter, smacking at Katya’s arm as she grinned and tried not to laugh herself. She pulled herself up and swung a leg over Trixie so she was straddling her, smirking down at her.  
“Yeah, it’s really bad. She couldn’t even call you herself, she can barely get her head out of the toilet bowl.”  
Trixie waved her hands frantically, wiggling under Katya as she rocked with silent laughter. Katya pressed a finger to her lips as she nodded along with the phone call.  
“Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s fine, I’ll tell her. Thank you, have a good day!”  
She hung up the phone, and Trixie finally let out a loud shrieking laugh that sent Katya into hysterics also. She leant down and buried her face into Trixie’s hair as they laughed.  
“You’re a cunt! I have to go face these people tomorrow and you just said I had my head in a toilet bowl!”  
“Shut up, you loved it.” Katya giggled, stroking her hands up Trixie’s sides. “They said they hope you get better soon, and to take off as long as you need.”  
“I can’t believe I’m playing hooky. You’re a bad influence, Katya Zamolodchikova.”  
Katya’s face heated up at Trixie’s perfect pronunciation of her last name. She was the only American who could say it perfectly, after getting Katya to teach her it a few weeks after they met, and it had always sounded so good from her mouth. She moved to kiss Trixie hungrily, as she had wanted to do every time Trixie had ever said her last name, but never could until now. She sighed through her nose as Trixie’s tongue danced with hers, lips mashing together frantically, Trixie’s hands resting on her knees, then tracing higher up her legs. She reached up to tangle a hand in Trixie’s hair, relishing in their bodies being pressed together, but- be a gentleman, Katya. She sat up abruptly at that internal reminder, looking at the wall in front of her and trying not to look at the woman squirming between her legs. She was instantly unsuccessful as the blonde whined at her, dropping her gaze to Trixie’s gorgeous flushed face, lips a shade darker from their normal natural colour, hair spread out around her. Fucking hell. Trixie reached out and made grabby motions with her hands at Katya’s face, pouting like a child.  
“Come back!” She whined, and Katya had to close her eyes for a minute.  
“Trixie.” She said evenly, managing to make her voice a lot smoother than she felt. “With the best will in the world, I’m trying not to get you into bed the first chance I get.” She could practically hear Trixie’s eye roll even though her eyes were shut.  
“You’re the one straddling me. Also, we literally sleep in the same bed.”  
“Shut up.” Katya giggled, flicking her eyes open and looking back down at the beautiful woman. “What I mean is that if we keep going hot and heavy like this I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist you.”  
Trixie was unreadable for a minute before smiling up at her, somewhat shyly. She pushed herself up and Katya back slightly so she was sitting with Katya in her lap, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips.  
“Well, I’m charmed.” She whispered. “Maybe want to go for another cigarette so you can calm down, Austin Powers?”  
Katya threw her head back as she laughed.  
“Shut the fuck up. But, yes.”  
Trixie made more coffee and began mixing banana pancakes, Katya’s favourite, as Katya smoked, sitting comfortably on the floor beside the window. The rain was even louder from here, bouncing aggressively off the sidewalk, and Katya could see random civilians running around like scared ants, running into houses and cars and anywhere with shelter. She hummed contentedly to herself as she heard Trixie start strumming the guitar behind her, her voice just about louder than the rain.  
“Can’t you see that it’s just raining, there ain’t no need to go outside...”  
They pottered about the kitchen together comfortably, Trixie burning a pancake to death from being too wrapped up in a hilarious anecdote Katya was telling her about an old woman called Ms Kasha Davis in her yoga class, who Katya had caught with a cocktail in her water bottle at an 11am class. They had long since agreed to put off their date until later, while the rain was still barrelling off the sidewalk and neither of them felt like getting dressed anyway. In moments of silence Trixie would pick the guitar back up and strum at it lightly, trying chords and muttering to herself, which Katya recognised as her song writing process. She tried not to let her heart swoop as she thought about Trixie writing a song about this morning, their happy smiles and unwashed hair, negating all responsibilities to just spend time with each other. Damnit, Katya herself could probably write a song about this morning. Trixie used her phone to call the leisure centre and get revenge, telling them Katya’s hemorrhoids had flared up with such a straight face Katya thought she was going to explode with the laughter she was keeping in. They ate the pancakes together in bed, crosslegged across from eachother, and when they were done and Katya was done telling Trixie she should go on Masterchef, Trixie padded back out to the kitchen to get her guitar. They laid beside eachother somewhat uncomfortably with its addition, and Trixie’s fingers on the chords were shaky in the odd position, but she played Katya a beautiful melody anyway, small twangs of mistakes from its newness. She opened her mouth and sang, and Katya let her eyes drift closed.

“Well can't you see that it's just raining?  
Ain't no need to go outside...

But baby, you hardly even notice  
When I try to show you this  
Song is meant to keep you  
From doing what you're supposed to  
Waking up too early  
Maybe we can sleep in  
Make you banana pancakes  
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time  
Can't you see that it's just raining?  
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, laka ukulele  
Momma made a baby  
Really don't mind the practice  
'Cause you're my little lady  
Lady, lady, love me  
'Cause I love to lay here lazy  
We could close the curtains  
Pretend like there's no world outside

And we could pretend it all the time  
Can't you see that it's just raining?  
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need,  
Can't you see, can't you see?  
Rain all day, and I don't mind

But the telephone is singing, ringing  
It's too early, don't pick it up  
We don't need to  
We got everything we need right here  
And everything we need is enough  
Just so easy  
When the whole world fits inside of your arms  
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?  
Wake up slow, mmm mm, wake up slow

Ain't no need, ain't no need  
Rain all day, and I really, really, really don't mind  
Can't you see, can't you see?  
You gotta wake up slow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song from this chapter and the title is the Jack Johnson song Banana Pancakes, it’s adorable! I realise I put songs into my chapters like, a lot at this point, I was wondering if you guys were digging that or if it was getting old? Let me know!  
> The “I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells like rich mahogany” line is an Anchorman reference if you haven’t seen it I would advise you do because it’s fuckin hysterical


End file.
